I am the one and only, nobody I'd rather be (The One and Only - Chesney Hawkes)

Apologises for such a cheesy title this weekend. But it kind of sums up the purpose of this post.  Normal, good music titles will be resumed next week .... I promise!

I quite like me these days.  For years I didn't like me or my life. As a child and teenager life was at times tough. Don't get me wrong, I was loved by my parents, and in particular my dad, but my Mum made life difficult. I sort of carried that baggage and insecurities through to my early 20's. But you get on with it.  My time in Stoke was blessed and cursed at the same time.  Looking back on it I guess I never really adapted to living in Stoke and that could now answer a lot of questions.  However, once again, you don't always realise it. You build your world and live in it, surrounded by walls that you think will keep you safe, no matter what. I mean what was the alternative? That was far more scary than, as usual, just getting on with it.  When my world was turned upside down four years ago, I hated myself. I blamed myself. The house was full of such negativity and sadness. Sad but true. I am not proud to say it but I guess it has to be said, that there were two occasions I vividly remember that I am fortunate to still be here! I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted it all to go away. Life was hard and I was hard on myself.

But, in time I started to regroup and rebuild. Slowly at first. When my daughter moved out without a goodbye I thought how much pain can one person take.  Unfortunately, I went on to learn that they can continue to take a great deal more. Travelling was a pivotal turning point. It showed me a world that I had only ever dreamed off. I learnt that I can get on with things, figure things out and that there is nothing to be scared of and if there is, you just don't show it. Hong Kong and Australia was amazing and I come back a different person, a totally different person. On the rare occasions I look back to that time in March 2013 I really do not recognise myself as that same person now. So, within a few days the house was sold and I moved on.   

However, even that could not go smoothly (of course it couldn't). But with the kindness of others I got there. Moving to my little cottage was wonderful.  I used to call it my healing cottage and it certainly was that. From the minute I walked in the door it was as if a warm, fluffy quilt was keeping me safe, absorbing my tears.

I now know that I had to travel to find out about me and I have certainly done that.  I think for the first time in my life (even at the age of 29!) I kinda know me and quite like me these days. I am comfortable in my own skin;something that I have never, ever been.  I am confident with my size and let's face it, this body has served me well over the years. For the first time I can say I like my

curves and use them to my advantage ;)   Meeting people from all around the world, both here in London and whilst travelling has shown me that my place on this wonderful plant of ours is really small and insignificant.  It is OK that I don't understand things like how do the stars stay up there? How does my hair dryer work? And what the hell is algebra about ....... I will never get that one until the day I die (why can't X always be 2?).

What I do know now is that most things I thought were important (except one or two) really are not. Material things just hold you back. Money just makes you greedy for more. OK it gives you choices but what good are those choices if other things in your life are missing? What matters is that I enjoy every second, every moment of my life. Yeah, it has taken a long time (29 years plus), but yep I kinda like me now.  It is still work in progress but I am getting there. Life is good. I am good (most of the time). Oh and let's remember .......... I am so damn fucking cool! :) I think, no I know, my daughter would (if she let herself) like the new me!

Saturday:  Yesterday evening whilst I was at the Opera (how good does that sound) I got a message from Beano who I met at meditation last Sunday.  I almost screamed with joy.  He had managed to get two tickets to see the Dalai Lama at the O2! I had looked at them and they were really expensive. However, I guess he has used his wonderful gift of the Irish gab (he is Irish) and says he just wants £30 for my ticket. How cool is that. I am so excited about it.  It is like Christmas Eve all over again as a kid.

I arrived at the O2 on the most glorious, blue skied morning. The place was really busy. I did think to myself that I would never find Beano then I turned

round and he was there.  He hadn't seen me either! How crazy is that?  We said our hellos and made our way into the arena.  I have been to the O2 plenty of times but not actually in the arena. I could not believe the seats he had found for us.  He said that he had got them on Gumtree and would not take the full amount for the ticket, (which was a lot more than £30, I gave him £40 in the end, after he kept saying no, but you know what I am like Little Miss Independent) which was so kind.  We had talked last week when

we met at the Meet Up about this event and I said that I could not justify spending loads on a ticket because I am not working. It was very, very kind of him.  The seats were brilliant and we both thought it was a surreal experience sitting in this huge arena waiting for the Dalai Lama. Then he appeared. He is the most inspiring person I think I have ever seen. His small in statute body, filled the stage with joy and happiness. He has the most amazing (dirty) little laugh and is so relaxed and humble. His talk was on compassion. It really was something special.

At first, it was difficult to tune into his dialect, but it all come together.  He had a guy standing beside him to help him with words he did not know in English. But really, this guy is 80 years old and speaks very good English.  He said so many things that just hit home for me.  We, as humans, have the gift to be kind, so why don't we use it. Even if we get rejected or others let us down or do

not feel the same way as us, it doesn't matter. Just be kind. Two things he said have stuck in my mind. The first that beauty and make up are skin deep. He said that girls should tone down the make up (everyone laughed) as it is about your heart and your soul that matters. Beauty is not a face or a perfect figure. It is what is within that matters. I experienced this in Thailand when my friends in Bangkok used to say to me that I was beautiful as I had a good heart.

He also said, after he was presented with yet another 80th birthday cake, that every day is like your birthday. We have the ability to be reborn every day and to celebrate this.  I thought back to Monday, on my birthday.  I had the most lovely day, on my own (and that didn't matter as we should not rely on the happiness of others to make us happy) a perfect day.  I will try to remember this when life is being tough. He was amazing. So simple but positive thinking. I felt truly, truly blessed by being there. Me being me, just wanted to take him home with me, make him a cup of tea and sit and chat to him for hours, asking him all types of questions that were then, and still are, rattling around my head.

We left the arena and Beano was craving for a cigarette (bless). We got outside the arena and there were some Tibetan people singing so we went to have a look.  It was a big crowd. I stood listening to them singing, then turned around and he was gone! I did not have his number, he only has his Canadian phone (he has just arrived in London from Canada). I waited and looked but the crowd was so big.  So I messaged him on Facebook. I waited a bit longer then made my way, with the crowd to the tube. He called me via Facebook and he had waited but then gone to a restaurant as he was hungry. I thanked him once again for a great day and hopefully I will see him again in a few weeks back at Hoxton. But like I have said previously; people come into our lives for years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes or even seconds but nothing is by accident. People are sent to us when we need them or they need us.

I got off the tube at London Bridge and decide to walk from there as it was still a beautiful afternoon.  I cannot believe I have heard and seen the Dalai Lama. Now that would never have happened in Stoke. But I have seen the Dalai Lami thanks to the kindness of others (Beano). I feel very blessed. My this has been an eventful week in more ways than one!

Sunday:  There is something rather lovely about my Sundays these days.  I remember before I moved, that Sundays were a terrible day. So long. Nothing happening. I never saw a soul.  Not now.  I am up and out of the flat by 9:00am.  Today I got off the bus at Hoxton two stops further on and walked along the canal.  It was such a beautiful morning.  Arrived at the cafe and I really feel part of that little group now. Such a peaceful place and the staff who work there are so sweet.  Meditation was, as always, wonderful. It really does ground me and I need to reconnect with my meditation practice as I really do feel better for it. I stayed for brunch (thank you Michelle and Sophie) which was home made baked beans, which were delicious on toast.  Fully stuffed, at peace and contented I walked back along the canal to the bus stop to get the bus to Waterloo.  

Sat on my bench reading my book and felt really content. I saw the Spitfires (I think they were anyway) fly past up the Thames,they looked magnificent.  I sat reading for about an hour and half then went up to take some photos of the

skateboarders.  I really enjoy watching them, who would have thought that. I then went to take some more graffiti photos and once again, the whole scene had changed.  The artwork there is truly wonderful.  I did not want to go home as I was having fun and the weather was so lovely.  I walked back to the Southbank and stood again watching the skateboarders and then sat again on my bench, just watching people go by and the looking at the boats going up the river.

Decided to get the bus back and as I walked to the stop I saw Paul.  Some of you may remember Paul.  I saw him a couple of weeks ago, just sitting there. I do not like using the word begging.  He

remembered me and was surprised that I had remembered him.  I stood talking to him for quite awhile asking how he was doing and I gave him a couple of quid. He seems a really nice guy and I guess none of know where life is going to take us. I know that more than anyone.

It has been a truly wonderful weekend. I have done some amazing things, things I never would have thought in a million years I would do.  I feel truly blessed.

As always, with my love x