Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me. Where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me (Over The Rainbow - Judy Garland)

Well my friends, here we are again.  A few days before my '29th' birthday. My celebrations will start Friday night as I rock off to the pub with a Meet Up group. I am out at a demonstration for Syria on Saturday then off for dinner and the theatre in the Evening. Sunday will probably be Hoxton and Sunday lunch. Then on Monday (the day of my 29th birthday) probably nothing lol. But that's OK, it is what it is.

I know it's a cliché, but where did those past 12 months go? And what a year it has been. So like a personal tax assessment I have taken time out to review my year, a bit like they do on the news at the end of the year.  If I have missed anyone or anything out, my apologies. As Dicken's said ..... 'It was the best of times; it was the worst of times'.

So what have I learnt. I have learnt that you can have a soul mate that you are not in a 'full on sexual' relationship with.  Andy come into my life in the January of 2012 when I had not laughed for seven months.  Seriously, I had not laughed and cried at least twice a day. I had been living (and continued to live for another year and three months) in a house that was once my family home, spending all my time in my room, just venturing out for food or to go out. I had my music, books and dog to comfort me and I guess I kind of survived.

Andy walked into the offices of where I was working at a time in his life that was not fantastically brilliant; and from that moment on we have never stopped laughing.  I have been blessed.  Last September, again when I come to London for my birthday, Andy could see how depressed I was getting again, living alone, doing nothing socially, in a job I particularly did not care for, hiding from ghosts, memories and people everywhere I turned. So last September he gave me a 'dressing down', told me a few home truths. Not good to hear but I needed to be told. Like the fact that I roll around the world on my own, experiencing fantastic things, meeting people, living in the fast lane, only to return to another 49 weeks of feeling down.  So he said, come and live in London with me.  I guess that is how it started.

My little Hetty. I am sorry my friend, neither of us signed up for this life!

So I have learnt that I can take a chance and opportunity and give it my best shot.  I gave up a great deal move to London. First of all my little Hetty, who I still cannot talk about with out crying (I am crying now). My friend. It was me and her against the world as we sat in our room, together, night after night.  For far too many months she had to go and live with my friend Linda, but when I finally moved into my little cottage I got her back and we were a team.  Me and her against the world.  But I had to let her go. Even that was not simple and again all because of a bloke.  She was re-homed the start of December and it broke my heart. My heart that I really did not think could hurt any more (I found out later in the year that there is still plenty more hurt there to experience).  Wherever you are my dear, sweet Hetty ..... have a happy, happy life.

Christmas come and went and so did my back as in January I hurt my back and was in the most excruciating pain.  It dawned on me then, at that point, that I was on my own.  Totally on my own.  It was awful.  Fortunately, Jackie kept and eye on me and come over with food. I have learnt that I will not dwell in illness or injury. I will get on with it, because I have to.

I went to Thailand and Cambodia in January/February and once again had the most amazing experiences. I met some great people and saw some things that no one should have to see: S21 and The Killing Fields. I gave my broken heart months ago to South East Asia and the people and culture.  I feel totally at home there. I was offered work in Siem Reap as a teacher but I had decided that I needed to be in London. I returned from my travels and within a few days, without me seeing him again, my dear, sweet friend Steve lost his fight against cancer; he was far too young.  I miss him terribly.  Like Andy, he come into my life when I need to be reassured 

Live and Hogs x

and feel safe and he used to give me the most amazing hugs (most mornings before we started work).  He always called me gorgeous and helped me to start to believe in myself again at a time where I felt absolutely worthless.  We always used to leave our messages with 'live and hogs' and this is because we were out one night and I got absolutely plastered.  Me being me, wanted to thank him for a great evening and sent a text message that finished in 'live and hogs' instead of  'love and hugs'.  It become our thing. I don't think I have ever cried so much at a funeral (and this includes even my dear old Dad who was so ill I was just relieved he was not in any more pain), he had such spirit and so much life to lead.  Steve, if you are looking down on me my friend you will always be my Island in the Stream!

Furniture was sold, car boot fair was done (thank you Jackie for that most awful experience), 'stuff' was given to friends and charity shops and Easter arrived.   It was time to fly.  I knew (and so did a few other people) that it would be a very stressful and emotional time for me.  I had arrived in Stoke in 1991 full of hope and dreams. Love had taken me there and now heartache was driving me away.  It had never felt like home. My friends knew I would never stay there; my ex knew I would never choose to stay there.  Never a week went by (and this is true), without someone saying to me 'Oh you don't come from round here do you duck?'.  At that point, and even now, I do not know where I need to be, but I was 150% sure that I no longer needed to be in Stoke.  Me being me, and music being in my soul, I created a playlist on my iPod of songs that were significant. Andy drove; I sat and sobbed and sobbed whilst listening to my music.

The move was physically and emotionally difficult for me, but I can honestly say it is one of the most greatest things (apart from having Megan) I have ever decided to do.  London is home.  I have come home. I know it is a bizarre thing to say, but I am so relieved that I will not die in Stoke; stupid but true! I still, even now, walk round like a crazy with a smile on my face, looking at my playground: Southbank, Peace Garden at IWM, looking at The Shard from my bedroom window, St James' Park and much, much more.  This is my neighbourhood. My beautiful neighbourhood.

So what else have I learnt or been reminded of this year (FYI the number is significant):

1. I am far too young for sheltered accommodation!
2. I am much younger than I was 12 months ago!
3. I realise now that life for me is one continual test where I am challenged and will never do things in the conventional way
4. I have a soul mate 
5. I will never give up; no matter how difficult or painful a situation is. I will pull myself up, give myself a talking to (I do this a lot), figure it out and move on ........ eventually
6. I am courageous, spontaneous and curious .................. or am I just reckless, bonkers or mad?
7. I am far too soft for my own good.  I want to see the best in people and as someone told me recently (Cherise) I want to 'save' everyone.  I need to realise that not everyone sees the world how I do and sometimes I just need to 'save' myself and that is OK
8. A hug can help to solve most things and they are the best medicine, but oh Steve how I miss your hugs my dear friend
9. I like drum and bass music and I now know where to drop the bass! Just call me Slim Girl Fat!
10. Karen (and my apologies to any other Karens out there) really is a vile name.  I have never warmed to it and it really does sound worse when said with an American accent
11. I really should keep away from guys called: Mark, Steve, Chris and Andy (except the one)! Yes, yes, yes I know there are exceptions, however .......................
12. And Geminis ....... but me being the ever optimist, is waiting to be proved wrong with 11 & 12
13. Most people in London work in IT or for Google (I know they don't but it does seem like it at times)
14. Skateboarding will ruin your knees!
15. I should have had a Macbook
16. Switzerland is one of the smallest countries in the world but there is so much 'stuff' going on there
17. Younger men prefer older women.  Which is good as I prefer younger people (generally) as I have more in common with them
18. Every day is an opportunity. Get outside that door and find yourself an adventure
19. You are never too old to have a piercing (my nose) or a tattoo (on my left shoulder)
20. Trust me when I say hell really does have no fury than a woman (ME) scorned and why we are on the subject of trust.  I will never trust anyone again 100%
21. People never go away.  You think they do then one day, out of the blue, they just text you, email you or roll up again. I have to remember this when I feel sad about Megan; she will come back
22. I am cool, damn cool, so cool, really cool, fucking damn cool, super, super cool or a combination of all of them. So if so many people have told me this, I guess I must be.  I am cool! Oh Meg I wish you could share this with me
23. There are guys who fit into my ever increasing list of specific demands; but not just as the one person, but they are out there and my crazy list is not so crazy after all
24. Shirley Valentine is right!
25. London is full of papayas and I have met a guy who knows what a mangosteen is
26. Skateboarding and street art is a reoccurring theme in my life
27. People find me interesting, amazing and yes ..... cool
28. Since arriving in London I have become creative.  I write daily and now have Beatrice to photograph my adventures
29. I guess I have courage and determination and can change and adapt (wow that was difficult to write)
30. But I am also emotionally damaged because of the actions of others, insecure and weak as a kitten at times (but people don't see that)
31. I am honest. Far too honest at times
32. People care about me (thank you)
33. I have seen evidence that stingrays are horrible and I have every reason to fear them
34. I still cry far too much and far too easily - I need to toughen up
35. Plenty of people want to learn English
36. There are now three scenes that will make me sob uncontrollably when I watch Love Actually - this will not be a good look
37. Swiss Air flies the most planes out of Heathrow every day
38. I still live daily with the most awful pain a mother could ever live with
39. I know I will not stay in the UK. The Universe has a plan for me, we just haven't figured it out yet, nor do we have to at this moment!
40. Apparently I have a lovely smile and beautiful eyes (but cross reference with 24 above)
41. I have found out that avocados are rather nice 
42. Shakespeare 'like' was a pretty cool guy
43. I still don't get Jazz but I am trying to get my head around it
44. A situation can change in a second, when you are least expecting it
45. There still is no such thing as a coincidence 
46. I am now back to being called darling, love, gorgeous and sweetheart ..... no more duck!
47. London gives me the opportunity to meet people: amazing people, creative people, people from other walks of life and other countries
48. I collect people and rarely give up on them - unless they give me good reason to do so (but even then I still don't forget them, I wish I could)
49. I did not realise how homesick I was until I got back down south
50. Most things will not matter in 12 months time
51. I could never live a day without music
52. I must listen to my gut feeling; it is rarely wrong!
53. The world really is a small place
54. You can be old at 18 or young at 90. Age is a social construction - fight it
55. London (and Andy) have given me my life back!

Yet a little bit of me still dies every day.  I huge part is missing and no mad, crazy adventures can ever repair that. I will not get this time back and time keeps rolling on oh so fast.  So I try not to dwell in the past, or to look too far forward, I just try to live and enjoy the here and now (not always easy at times).

This year has been amazing, one of the best ever.  I always joke that I am only 29, but seriously, I feel 29! I have life, energy, laughter and are smiling again. People are always telling me that I have a lovely smile.  This fills my heart with so much joy as I can remember when my eyes were grey, not blue and I never had any reason to smile. Life is once again good. Oh and I am so looking forward to Christmas this year. Sure, as always, I will spend it on my own but it is going to be totally amazing being in London.  I will go to Waitrose in Canary Wharf and Borough Market to get my food.  On Christmas Day I will find somewhere to volunteer as usual. I will go for a walk by the river - I just love being by the river. I will have an amazing Christmas Day. I am so excited about Christmas when I think of it.  Sure it has taken five years but it doesn't matter, it has happened.

So all that remains is to thank you, my friends.  The ones who have stood by me both recently and over the past four years and more. Some of you who read this have been with me right from the start of my 'terrible time' and have kept me safe.  I want to thank those of you who have helped me, shouted at me, hugged me, laughed with and at me, dreamt with me, got drunk with me (if we can remember), told me some truths that are hard to hear but needed to be said, reassured me, danced with me, sang with me, shared moments with me, talked about utter rubbish with me, believed in me when I don't always believe in myself, ate with me, walked with me, travelled with me, argued with me, cried with me, worked with me, wished with me, screamed with and at me, hugged me,  loved me, lived with me, slept with me (you can read into that one what you want, but I was referring to Andy!) and are still here with me.

Life is an amazing journey, we don't always think so at times, but it is.  It takes us to places that we never imagined. People come into our lives for years, months, days, hours or even just minutes or even seconds, but in that time they can make a huge impact - either in a positive light or alas, a negative one. But we share a moment, a moment that cannot be changed, a moment in the timeline of our lives. So to quote Elbow ........ 'If we only pass this way but once, what a perfect waste of time'

Thank you my friends for being a light in my life and sharing these moments with me, I feel truly blessed.

As always, with my love x