You with the sad eyes, don't be discouraged Oh I realize It's hard to take courage in a world full of people you can lose sight of it all and the darkness inside you can make you feel so small (True Colours - Cyndi Lauper)

Another week is upon me.  The city has changed. The children went back to school today, the leaves are rapidly falling off the trees and there is a 'nip' in the

Cherise sent me this - I wish it was that easy at times!

air.  The tourists have gone, well there are some obviously, but the numbers are low.  London feels different. * Update:  the sun come back and so did the tourists but mainly adults who have obviously waited for the children to go back to school! My sparkle took a tumble yesterday because I let the actions of others influence my emotional health.  My friend Cherise summed it up .......... I can't save everyone.  That's me. I always want to make it right, do the right thing. I would not want to harm anyone intentionally and I have to learn that not everyone thinks the same way as me and they can live with the consciences of their own actions.  I have to learn to do the same.  As Cherise said 'Don't let anyone dull your sparkle'.

Monday: I had things to do today but I really could not be bothered (and I am being polite using the word bothered) to do them. I cannot begin to explain to you the utter frustration and restlessness I am feeling right now.  It is as if, once again, my whole life is in limbo.  The sun was out and so was I.

I took myself, and Beatrice, off to Leake Street Tunnel.  Yes you did read that right.  I have blogged about this before.  This is a pedestrian tunnel in Waterloo that has an ever changing display of street art.  I love it there.  Sure you can get high on the fumes from the paint spraying but the place feels alive and it is an every changing canvas.  There were plenty of photos for me to take and also some words that would not fit into a photo.  One quote, which I absolutely love, said:

'We don't remember days; we remember moments'  

Also, sprayed in paint across one side of the tunnel was this quote:

'As an adult I have ran, jumped, swam, danced, worked, travelled, gave,  tried proved, learnt, fought, waited, wished, smoked, believed, loved and cried on the ground ........... Now I just let it go' Pad 2015

Wow!  How amazing is that.  That totally blew me away.  It got me thinking too. As children, the majority of us have no, or little fear.  We are brave, adventurous, inquisitive.  Then as adults, life takes hold of us and society conditions us. We are expected to act and behave in a certain way.  But why?  Why should we? Deep inside of every one of you is someone who has worked, travelled, someone who gave or fought, we have all wished and cried, danced and loved. But we forget this.  Most days, my inner child is the outer child with an inner adult (that sounds so bad but you know what I am trying to say).  I am spontaneous. I find myself in situation where I often think 'oh, I didn't think that through'.  Perhaps we all should be more spontaneous.  So go and do what I do sometimes, just dance in the street!  Trust me, you will love it!

Walked through Lower Marsh and found a little Thai cafe that someone had told me about ages ago.  It is called Marie's Cafe and it is a quirky little place. I have been feeling restless lately and wishing I was in warmer climes.  The cafe is brilliant but unfortunately, it was not appropriate to take a photo.  But

basically, it is a greasy spoon cafe that does cooked breakfasts and also Thai food. The owners are Thai.  The tables and seats are very basic and close together.  I ordered vegetable spring rolls and vegetable massaman curry and rice and some lemon tea. This was the best Thai food I have had outside of Bangkok and it cost me £8.00. Anywhere that would be reasonable but especially in London.  I said hello and thank you in Thai and the guy who served me was quite taken back.  I did explain that is all I know and we both laughed. I think I have found a little gem there and will be going back.

The weather had changed by the time I left there and it was grey and quite cold again.  However, I still went down to the Southbank.  To my favourite bench and sat and read for a while.  I was joined by an elderly couple who were in London for a few days.  She was explaining that she could not get her camera working.  I took a look and swapped memory cards and took their picture using Beatrice, so at least they will have one photo of their holiday.  But I could not get it to work.  They told me where they were staying and we sat and chatted for a bit.  Then I went off to take some photos of the skateboarders again.  I do like doing this. I think it is the whole culture of the thing: energy, fast, exciting, dangerous and arty.  Hopefully, and I will check later, I have got some good photos. 

Unfortunately, this is fairly true :(

I decided to make my way home and as I did so I saw a young guy, in a sleeping bag, just sitting on the bottom of Waterloo Bridge.  Something just hit me. No matter how bad I feel, or let others make me feel at times, I am blessed.  I am lucky.  I stood talking to him for ages.  His name was Paul and he was from Lithuania and had been sleeping in the park for 6 weeks.  He has no passport and is waiting to attend an appointment at his Embassy in another week.  He was a lovely, well spoken and extremely polite guy.  I gave him a couple of quid and wished him well.  Then as I started to walk up the steps to Waterloo Bridge there was a mother and her son walking down. The child was in a very smart (I am assuming public school) uniform.  The mother smiled at me and I said to the child that he looked smart and had he been at work all day. He and his mother explained that it was his first day at school and the little boy went on to tell me all about it, in such a great details, bits of which I couldn't really understand. His Mum said that I had more out of him than she had.  We said our goodbyes and they walked straight pass Paul.  It just made me think how our lives are determined.  Some of us have so much and we don't realise it. Or when we do realise it, everything has changed.

Back to the flat and I found the old 'family' digital camera and put the battery on charge.  If it is working OK I will ring the hotel and see if I can track the couple down that I met today.  If I can, I will give them this camera.  I am never going to use it and at least they will be able to take some photos of their holiday in London.  Fingers crossed that it works.

Tuesday:  Well the camera worked; unfortunately trying to carry out yet another random act of kindness did not.  I called the hotel where they were staying and explained the situation.  OK I did not know their names but new when then arrived, when they were leaving and where they were from. The girl was sort of helpful (I would have been more helpful) but, needless to say - no joy.  I had the same thing happen to me last year.  I had two tickets to see Elbow in Liverpool.  I purchased two tickets just in case I had someone to go with by the time the gig arrived.  That never happened.  I got to Liverpool I went to the ticket office and said could they give this ticket to the next person trying to buy just one and the woman looked at me as if I had dropped out of  

 a Christmas Tree.  I had to explain it so many times that I did not want the money for it, just give it someone.  They could not do that ........ of course they could not.  I went to the ticket touts who would give me £5 for it and were selling them for £40. I never gave it to them.  I hang around to see if I could see one random person on their own, looking for a ticket.  None appeared.  So I didn't bother. I just went on my own and put my bag on the spare chair.  But isn't it a sad reflection on us all when someone wants to do something for absolutely nothing in return and are looked at as if they are quite mad!

Spent the day at the flat defrosting the fridge, mopping the floors, tidying up. I love my (our) little flat.  It feels so cosy and it feels like home and for me (as many of you know) that is so important.  All the summer clothes have been put away in the suitcase under my bed (not much room in London).  So quite a productive day and a reflective day as I have started to write my pre-birthday annual review.  Needless to say, there were tears ...... that's the trouble with looking back! 

Went, with Andy, to Kentish Town this evening to meet up with some of his friends to take part in a pub quiz.  We had food out and it really was a lovely evening.  We didn't do that bad, the questions were really difficult. But it was a laugh. I think we come fourth out of seven? But like I say they were tough questions.  We were both so tired on the tube coming home and now guess what, I am wide awake again.  Oh well. 

Wednesday: One of the songs that is very dear to my heart is New Dawn, New Day.  I have had a good day.  Quite morning helping my friend Fiona in Stoke track someone down.  She was amazed at my MI5, MI6 and the new founded CIA skills and agrees that I have talent that is being wasted. I have always said that I would rather know a thief than a liar.  And let's face it, where I have been employed in the past I have met thieves, murders, rapists and robbers but there really is nothing worse than someone who can look you square in the eyes and lie to you.

This afternoon I had a 'date'.  Yes, I can hear you gasp and then I hear myself sigh and think why do I bother. In my quest to conquer the world (I am joking) this person was from South Africa and I shall call him Klippies. What I hear you cry.  I saw a play a few months ago at our lovely, local theatre and it was called Klippies.  It was based in South Africa and the actors had such a strong dialect it took me ages to tune in to it.  Anyway, Klippies is a South African brandy.  We had a great time, but you know me guys I am just waiting for the next disaster. Klippies has been in the UK for 17 years so only has a slight South African twang, so no embarrassing not understanding moments from me.  We sat in the park just talking and laughing.  He is off to University in a few weeks to study Art (no Nikki he is older than 18, he is going to be a mature student, granted not as 'mature' as I was lol).  It turns out, of course it does why am I even surprised, that he skateboards and says he has

terrible knees ......... sigh! Kind of told him of my skateboard experience and he told me of another skate park.  So off we rolled.  It turns out that above my lovely Leake Street Tunnel (see Monday) there is a skateboard place! This place is amazing, it is called House of Vans and it is a music, skate, art venue and it is totally amazing.  I loved it and want to hire it (you can) to throw such cool (as I am cool remember) party.  They have various artists using the space to exhibit their work, there is a cafe/bar and the biggest well tallest skateboard whole, ramp, thing whatever it is called, I have ever seen - but let's face it, my knowledge in this field has only happened since I moved to London.  Mind you, my brother (yes I have a brother) always skateboarded and used to go up to the park at Stockwell.  So I guess I perhaps may a tad more than I think I do.

I had to smile, there was a little boy about 4 rocking around on his skateboard. Me and Klippies just stood laughing at his energy. The board was almost as big as him.  I keep thinking I can't even step off my bed without hurting myself, let alone that.  But, once again, it will be an ideal place for me and Beatrice to take some photos.   I really liked the feel of that place, it had a really good feeling and will have to go back to both there and Leake Street Tunnel in the evening because Klippies and other people have told me it comes alive. 

http://houseofvanslondon.com/

Once again, meeting people gives you the opportunity to share and gain information on places to visit.  I would never have known about this place if I had not met Klippies.  But I am so pleased he showed me it.  We then went down to the tunnel as he had a few cans of spray paint to pass on to the artists. This has made me smile when I read this back.  Can any of you who really know me, ever imagine this happening to me in Stoke? I had to get back to the flat so we said our goodbyes and agreed to meet up for me to return the favour of coffee, again next week.  We did seem to have a great deal in

common and it looks as if nothing else, I have collected another friend.

Apart from one on-going issue with another 'country', it was a good day.

Thursday:  Terrible few hours sleep .... AGAIN! But the morning got better as I had a lovely, long chat with my dear friend Jackie. Then I went off to London Bridge to the post office to send a parcel and then realised that I had not put the memory card in Beatrice! Back to the flat for a pit stop, recharge all batteries and a cuppa then off out again to enjoy the beautiful sunshine.

I had such a lovely day. I did my favourite walk, where I walk from London Bridge to Waterloo Bridge along the river.  I cannot tell you how much I love that walk. I sat on my bench at the Southbank and read my book for about an hour; just sitting in the sunshine.  I then went and took some photos and then sat in the Southbank Centre and listened to some wonderful live music.  There is an African theme at the moment and I listened to a group called Lady Venredi and the Vendettas - wow they were amazing, such energy.  It was kind of hip hop, jazz, drum and bass, really so much energy. I then went and took some photos at the skate park and I did not want the day to end. I could not help think that this was the last day of summer.  I felt quite sad as I sat on my bench just watching the river.  It has been a good summer and I guess that is why I did not want today to finally close. But hey, Autumn is here and that will bring all kinds of new experiences.  So don't be sad Karen.

Friday:  Andy was off work today so it was 'Big Shop Day' ..... sigh.  Doing normal food shopping in London is so difficult.  Firstly, most supermarkets are the small ones. Secondly, you have to find a 'proper' supermarket  which gives

you the choice but then you have to get a cab home.  Great excitement (from me) on the bus as we sat upstairs and 'drove the bus'. Oh I was like a kid again. I was so excited to be sitting at the top of the bus and it just took me straight back to my childhood when my brother, Nan and I would get the 480 bus up to Dartford and my brother and I would run to the top deck of the bus and to the front and pretend to drive it.  Needless to say, Andy did not squeal or join in my

excitement but it was good fun.  It is funny how as adults we can forget the joy of being a child again. We went to my friend Sarah's flat to collect the post and make sure everything was OK.  

We then started to walk from her flat up to Asda for the 'big shop'. However, we passed a McDonald's on the way and decided to have the most healthy, nutritious, filling breakfast.  Yep, a

McFlurry.  What can I say?  It was rather nice though.

Asda was challenging.  Because of the lack of big supermarkets we just roll along.  A bag of food here, a bag of food there.  But the essential stuff you need or a choice of things you want are very, very limited.  We made the fateful mistake, and it was my fault, of only having a small trolley each.  Big mistake.  So our household essentials consisted of: vodka, cranberry juice, lime juice (this is for cocktails), wine - then personal essentials: me - new jacket; Andy - two t shirts, two pairs of jeans.  We were in there ages because now, everything seems like alien and new to us. We both spent so much but will not have to do another 'big shop' until Christmas (thank goodness). However I knew I was home because there they were, on the shelves, Gypsy Tarts.  Now some of you may know what these are but many of you will not.  For years when I lived in Stoke I craved for these.  You cannot get them outside of Kent well obviously today I did but that was on the Old Kent Road, so that may have been the reason why.  They are a sweet pastry case filled with a sweet,

Opps can't turn the picture around

creamy, toffee flavoured filling.  They are to die for.  I cannot tell you how much I wanted one of these when I was in Stoke.  If anyone from Kent come to visit I would ask them to bring me some (thank you Jackie you did when you come to stay that New Year).  So now I know for sure I am home!

But the shopping was a total nightmare, because after you have put it in the trolley, took it out of the trolley, bag it all up, put it back in the trolley, put it in the back of the cab, get it out of the cab, carry it up 48 steps, put it all away.  The thought of doing it again is not exactly as exciting, well not as exciting as driving the bus or the gypsy tarts!

Went to my International Meet Up this evening, just to the pub which is about a ten minute walk from the flat - everything seems a ten minute walk from the flat.  So much for me being a feminist. I got a whistle and a wink from a guy on a bike.  In hindsight, I should have pulled him off there and then as that was the highlight of the evening.  The Meet Up group was the International one but tonight, even though there were a lot of people there I was not getting it.  There must have been around 7-8 women and the rest blokes and how can I put this without upsetting anyone, it was like a pack of hungry dogs circling a lamb chop!  Sigh! I had one or two interesting conversations but after two gins thought stuff this I am going home to have my left over macaroni cheese (Andy makes a wicked macaroni cheese).

As I left the pub it started to rain which really summed it all up.  I wore proper shoes tonight and my left food is still not right, I am sure there is a broken bone.  So I hobbled home, in the rain, iPod on, thinking!  I have got to the stage now where I choose where and with whom I want to spend time.  I think it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to find someone to share this journey with because of this and to be totally honest, I am not really looking.  Bart who has now been down-named to 'The American' - oh I can hear my dear old Dad now 'bloody Americans, come over here in the war with silk stockings and chewing gum' lol - anyway, 'The American' said that I would find love in London as I am so adorable!  That's all I want really, to be adored.  Can't believe in all that love and roses thing any more.

However, I can't even believe that now as it turns out, and I am ashamed to say this, but it has been playing on my mind for weeks now, and any of you who

know me will know how I am feeling about this.  It turns out that he was just full of lies. He is married. He lives here. He has a wife here. If you remember I thought there was something not right and after the event Little Miss Curious found this out by using her extensive CIA hunting down skills.   I am not proud of it, even though I did nothing wrong. I am a free agent and not here to hurt anyone, but it is not a nice feeling.  It has given me many sleepless nights and a great deal of soul searching, pain and tears. But I have been living with the awful, ethical dilemma of what should I do about it. You know me, too honest and want to put things right.  I have confronted him about it (even though obviously we are not seeing each other any more) but let's face it, I can't believe a word he says can I? All he is worried about is if I tell his wife.  
Men!  So all this was swirling around in my head on the way home. Then my iPod did it's thing again (it was on random play) and played the song used in this title. Sigh. So I think I will build that wall again, keep myself safe for a while.  It really is not worth the effort is it girls.  But I do have to ask myself, is there anyone half decent out there and Shirley Valentine was right ..... men tell you what they think you want to hear!

As always, with my love x