So you want to be free. To live your life, the way you want to be! (Killer - Seal)

Oh this song makes me smile and takes me back to the time when I was really 29!  Carefree single days; very much like now.  My friends from Kent .... The Girlie Glees used to spend the lazy, sunny Bank Holidays, plus any other long weekend we could cram in, driving down to Newquay to spread glee and happiness.  Well to be honest, it was one long boozy, dancing, snogging, laughing weekend.  We got up to all sorts of shenanigans - and they are only the ones we can remember.  I could tell you tales that would make your hair (for those of you who still have some) curl.  But just to give you a snapshot.  We thought once that we had killed a US Marine. We terrorised a real British Marine, so much so he just disappeared.  And I lost a complete afternoon of my life and woke up to be sick thinking my brains were falling out of my nose, when really it was a strip of green pepper from the pizza I had consumed, which I was now honking up in the sink!  Happy days!  Seal you gave us so much joy and I guess still do. 

Saturday:  Lazy start to the day.  Then Andy and I were off to suburbia.  I do not do suburbia at all well these days and this was only Zone 3.  London is divided up into Zones:  Zone one is Central London.  We live in Zone one.  Then the other Zones ripple out to about Zone 9.  I get withdrawal symptoms when I get to Zone 3.  We were early so went to grab a coffee in a delightful cafe, where one tea and one black coffee cost £2! I would not even get an Americano in London for that.  We were like the girls in Sex and The City when they went to Brooklyn.  I felt like a duck out of water.  There were no sirens, not so much traffic, there was grass by the side of the road.  Our host spoke with high regard of the fact that she had not one, but three large supermarkets in her immediate facility.  We can see a Tesco Express from our lounge window.  It felt strange.

Interesting appointment in suburbia then the day took a strange turn.  We were going to a Panto, I hate Pantos.  This one was called Tinderella ......... I liked the sound of it.  However, we got a call late afternoon saying that the person who had ordered the tickets had cocked up spectacularly and the tickets were for the matinee performance!  So no Panto.  Whilst I was disappointed, especially as I had treated myself to a new black number, I was a bit emotionally exhausted from our previous appointment in suburbia.  We decided to go to the library to see if we could get a copy of Se7en on DVD.  Strange thing happened in my local library.  This is the major disadvantage of living hear to where you work.  I saw a work 'colleague' working in my little library.  Note to self: do something about this.

Back to the flat with no DVD and we decided to order a take-out - Chinese and very tasty it was to.  Spent the evening watching Googlebox.  They are advertising for new couples to appear on this and we are thinking of applying. The a few episodes of the West Wing and bed.

I had an awful nights sleep.  I was awake from 3:00 ish.  I ended up watching TV until 6:00 when in total desperation I took two anti histamine tablets which knocked me out totally until 10:00. Not good.

Sunday: I kind of awoke from my coma induced sleep and decided I needed to get a grip.  Quick shower and I was off on the tube to the Saatchi Gallery in Sloane Square.  Sloan Square is a very expensive part of town.  The Gallery is

housed in the old Duke of Yorks HQ.  A stunning building holding some of the most beautiful pieces of contemporary art I have seen.  I really enjoyed this gallery.  The building itself is a Grade II listed building, built in 1801 and was originally a school for the children of solder's widows.  

The Gallery is very light and airy and they do not put rope or alarms around any of the pieces, so you can get up really close to look at the work.  I could have taken so many pictures of the artwork.  However, I have included a few here in the blog for you to share.  I went there to see a particular exhibition of Jamie Hewlett.  Jamie Hewlett is an English comic book artist and designer and the co-creator of the virtual band Gorillaz, along with Damien Albarn of Blur. Gorillaz released my favourite song of theirs Clint Eastwood in March 2001.  Damien Albarn wrote the song; Jamie Hewlett created the characters.

See the little Gorillaz

Jamie Hewlett's exhibition was his interpretation of Tarot Cards.  They were stunning; totally stunning.  If I had some spare cash (yes I wish) kicking around I would have one tomorrow.  The problem would be, I would not know which 

one to choose.  You can see, if you look carefully, the similarities in the prints and the video that I have posted.  In the card The Fool, he has actually drawn a Gorilla.  Also in the print The Wheel of Fortune he has used similar characters.  Oh to have an ounce of this guy's talent.  The exhibition is only on until 2 December, hence me going along today.  But it was really worth the trip.  

Also at the Saatchi Gallery they were exhibiting some photo journal photography which was absolutely breathtaking.  I did try to take some photos but they did not come out so well because of the glare from the camera.  But I have included at the end of the text the photos I took today; not with Beatrice but just my phone.

Totally full with art and culture I left the Gallery and made my way along the Kings Road.  London is beginning to feel a bit like Christmas and the advantage of going shopping in this part of town was you have the most gorgeous shops

Made from glass

and it is not so crowded.  I went and got my Auntie's present; which was beautifully gift wrapped whilst I was given a complimentary glass of Rose wine.  Now that would definitely not happen up Hanley duck!  Said Christmas present in lovely bag I toodled off to Peter Jones, which is a John Lewis and had a look round there.  Then I waked over to Knightsbridge and had a coffee opposite Harrod's (as one does darlings) then decided to get the tube back home.  It is a shame I do not have more Christmas shopping to do as I really enjoyed my little soiree today, especially the free wine bit.  Living in London really is an amazing thing to experiencing.  But only in Zone One or Two.  

Back to the flat and chilling out writing this and listening to some music. Rustled something non-exciting up for dinner and then decided to soak my sorry, sad, carcass in the bath for an hour, in the hope that it helps me feel a bit relaxed.  There are a couple of words that have come out of this weekend. I will not go into details from where they have come from.  But they are the words of Injustice and An Equal. From someone who has always tried to speak up for the injustice of others, I have in the past few years been served the greatest injustice of all.  This has been noted and acknowledged by others.  As for An Equal, I guess that is all I need.  An Equal to adore me.  As simple as that!

As always, with my love x 

You can see the similarities in the cartoon characters here and in the Gorrilaz video

The Borrower's Cotton Reel

Huge copper bauble 

This piece was made from drift wood - amazing 

Light shades made with women's underwear

The past is knowledge, the present our mistake. And the future we always leave too late (My Ever Changing Moods - The Style Council)

Not the best nights sleep; but not the worse either.  I am reflecting on the words of another this morning.  This person does not really know me at all, yet they have just summed me up a treat.  They do not know my 'story', there is no need for them to know, yet it as if they do know. It got me thinking about when we meet someone who enters your life, and this can be through work, through another friend or a complete stranger, yet they just make a connection.  I have mentioned before, this happened with my

friend Daniel who I met in Bangkok, again this year in Siem Reap.  We meet up and connect as if we have never been apart.  A strong bond.  This person, who I will quote in a minute, I hardly know.  Yet, after reading a text from them yesterday evening, I now feel that there is a connection. Something they see in me that I thought I could hide  For those of you who REALLY know me, have a read and let me know what you think.  This person wrote:  'You need to be as kind to yourself a you are to others'.

Monday:  Mondays are not the best day in my 9-5 life.  Tonight I actually left at 16:45 ..... a miracle.  I had nothing to rush home for, but home I went.  I could feel the relief as I walked in the door.  This time of the year I could just run away. Don't get me wrong, I love London.  I love living here  But this time of the year I could just run away ....... not sure where.  I cooked us a lovely (even if I say so myself) Thai vegetable curry and rice.  It was a dry run before I cook it again when I have Sarah coming over for dinner.  So it was a good excuse to try it.  And it was rather lovely.

Tuesday:  Awake at 5.00am!  That was it.  Snuggled in bed watching London Spy on my TV.  Really enjoying this.  It is a BBC drama with the lovely

Ben Wilshaw in it, who I have to say caught my eye in Skyfall as the new geeky Q. Needless to say, he is married. To a man. Next.

9.00-5.00 (well normally 6.00) life over and done with for another day and back home.  Thai green (ish) curry prepared for dinner tomorrow and my dinner for tonight in the oven and it is time to breathe and kick-back.  I have a late start tomorrow as I am out of the office all day, so that will make a change and will make Thursday come round quicker. Nothing really excited happened today. Someone told me, quite rightly, on Sunday that exciting things happen all the time and I guess they are right.  We need to just open our eyes and see them.  Finished off the day ironing men's shirts!  Yes I have been ironing shirts.  Remember my saying ..... I am not sure what I want but I do not want to be ironing shirts or walking around Sainsbury's.  Yet tonight I ironed four shirts, four jumpers and three pairs of trousers.   It was my good deed for Andy as he is away, with work, for a few days.  It is OK as he does realise what a big thing for me this is.  Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.

Wednesday: Waking up in London still gives me a thrill.  If it is really early I can still hear the birds singing.  However, that is soon taken over by the noise of the City slowly coming to life.  There is always a constant stream of noise coming from the other side of my bedroom window throughout the night.  At first, it took me a while to get used to it.  I mean, I had come from a small, sleepy village in the Staffordshire Moorlands to the hustle and bustle of Central London.  Yet, strangely, I get comfort from the noise;  it makes me feel alive. 

I was not in the office at all today, in fact I travelled from one end of South London to the other.  Not the travelling I would like to be doing but beggars

choosers and all that.   Making my way to London Bridge station to get a train I come across this little garden.  It was just in the street, at the side of the pavement.   I think they are pushing it a bit calling it a 'fresh air space' but that aside, it did make me smile and thought it was a rather good idea.

Back home after an interesting and different day, but an enjoyable one, it was leggings on and dinner in the oven and time to sit and relax before my guest arrives.  I did have to smile today.  I am like the United Nations.  One of the main reasons I come to London was to meet like minded, forward thinking, interesting people; particularly people from different countries. Today I have heard from, and have arranged to meet for drinks with my Italian friend who I have not seen since the summer.  All being well, we shall meet next Thursday in Soho.  I am intending to go to Trafalgar Square on Thursday next week to see the Christmas Tree lights being switched on.  So hopefully meet him afterwards for drinks.  PPLP my little French friend is happy as he has now launched his company and is happily employed.  We are to meet up soon to celebrate.  My friend who I meet on a previous Meet Up has just texted (she is from Asian descent) and she wants to meet up next week, but it looks now as if it will be the week after. All I need is the South African back and I will have a full set. But hey that is why I am here; just trying to make a go of it.

I had a lovely evening with my friend Sarah. She is off on her travels next week so tonight she come over to the flat and I cooked a Thai green curry.  We had a lovely evening chatting about life and stuff.  I will miss her.  But she needs to fill her life up, living her dreams and hopefully, soon, she will be off to South America to have her own little adventure.  I did say to her, you never know I might just pack up and join you.

Strange end to the evening.  You can tell it is a full moon.  Received a phone call whilst Sarah was there and subsequently another call later on.  Very odd. But apparently guess what, I am a strong, independent women.  No way Sherlock.  It is funny when someone who does not even know you, or your journey can give you their opinion of you.  I make no apologises of who I am. Why should I. Life has shaped me this way.

Thursday:   My fringe is really getting on my nerves.  I am trying to grow it. Well I have no choice.  I cannot afford to keep getting it cut in London. It would cost about £8 a time!  So I am growing it. But it keeps getting in my eyes.  Today I pulled it back and put it in a clip.  I was not sure.  I look so much like my Mother and that, for so many reasons, is not a good thing. But when I look at my eyes I see my dear old Dad.  I went to work like it.  Three people actually said oh your hair looks lovely.  And guess what?  I did not have a headache all day.  I will be buying some decorative clips and this will be my new style until my fringe grows a bit longer.


I called in Boots this evening to put in a repeat prescription and the guy said that he remembered me from last time I went in as I was the woman who loves to travel.  How cool is that.  I told him my name; I did not have to spell it, he knew it.  I guess once seen never forgot.  I told him I was impressed, very impressed.

Back at the flat.  I was due to go to the pub this evening on a Meet Up but I have been a bit off all day so thought stuff it.  Andy is still away; I am home alone.  So tonight I am just resting up in my room.  I call it my Stockholm Syndrome moment.  I spent so many months just sitting in my room every night back in my past life, I am used to it.  Also, when I was a child and got sent to my room (on so many occasions) I quite liked it.  I guess I am a creature of habit.  So tonight I am home alone and in my room, just my music and book and it is all good.  Oh and yes, I am going to be the Twitter Co-ordinator for the workplace. Me!  I don't do bad do I for an old girl ....... who is 29!

Friday:  9.00-5.00 come and went and I went out after work with colleagues - I am pleased I went, I learnt a great deal about many things - I will not be going out after work again. Back to my lovely flat and time to kick back.  Another week over. The time is flying by. It has been a strange week in many ways; but as that person said I need to be kind to me and I have tried.  It has not, at times been easy.  I have and will continue to learn a great deal - but it says a lot more about other people than it necessarily does about me.  I will not let the behaviour of others impact on my inner peace - only one person has the authority and privilege to do that.  So here is the weekend and all the fun and frolics it will hopefully bring.

As always, with my love x

There's always something there to remind me! (Something There To Remind Me - Sandie Shaw)

Look at the title to the blog!  I heard this on the radio the other morning.  The first song I heard; I wasn't even out of bed and the radio was doing its thing! I mean really? The Universe never fails to amaze me.  Psychic radio!  Had a slight melt down last night when Coca Cola stuck the knife in by showing the Holidays Are Coming advert.  Talk about kick a girl when she is down.  This used to be, in my past life, the pre-cursor to the start of the Christmas holidays.  I told Andy that I will be like this, on and off, between now and Christmas.  It is always the same.  He understands.  He get angry at the injustice of it all.  I guess he just does not like seeing his friend upset.  The grief just washes over me.  I wish it wouldn't, then in some kind of strange way, I am pleased that it does.  It shows

me that I can remember and that I do still care and the pain and the hurting makes it all real.  Well I know what I am trying to say! 

Saturday:  This morning I awoke to snow.  Snow in London.  OK it was not exactly a blizzard, but for those of you who do not know, I do not do snow!  My friends in the north had blizzards last night and I guess the fact that I said this was yet another reason why I am pleased I am no longer living there, may have had an impact on the snow moving south.  Karma my friends; karma.  Any ways like most things in life, it did not last long.  It come with such a promise and failed to deliver.  Leaving just a grey, cold soggy day.  I am writing this form my bed, where I am snug.  I will, eventually, drag my sorry carcass out of my warm little pit as I have things to do to day, places to go and hopefully, people to meet. 

Taken at Guy's

I forgot to mention my dream.  I had a lovely dream last night. I was 'hanging out' (remember that?) with Noel Gallagher and we were getting on like a house on fire. We were laughing and joking and holding hand and hugging. We went to the O2 to see Example in concert.  What is that about!?!?! I do not have any Example music on my iPod.  I woke at one point and snuggled down and I was back with Noel and his guitar lol we were having a blast. Perhaps that is what I need to be looking for, a Noel Gallagher lol.

Sandie Shaw haunted me all day: Bank of Zurich, 

Toblerones (everywhere!), Lindt chocolate and even swiss chard .... I mean sigh!  Then we had buses to Bow Church, Victoria Park, Victoria Park Road, skateboards (sigh), Hackney, the bus to Walthamstow, Borough Market and vegan food, iPod doing it's thing. That song was really an omen for the rest of the day.  But I had a great day.  Firstly, off to my new super dentist to see the hygienist.  I did moan about having to pay for this separate but boy did she do a good job.  She worked on my teeth for 30 minutes, drilling, poking, scrubbing

and scraping.  They ache like hell now; but what a job and well worth paying for.  I then called into the chapel at Guy's as it was so near, and had a few minutes with my dear old Dad.  Lighted a couple of candles and then went to grab a coffee.  It was like the whole world had descended on London today and not one of them knew where they were going or what they were there for! Met up with my friend Sarah. She is off on her travels again on 1 December so we have to make the most of the time.  We caught the bus that was going to Walthamstow (of course we did).  We got off at Hackney (of course we did) and

Jellied Eel Shop

went to Broadway Market.  I really liked it there. It had a good feel about it and there was an authentic eel and liquor shop there.  How cool is that. Well it is quite disgusting but you know what I am saying.  I was looking for my one Christmas present; needless to say, I never go it.  But Sarah and I had a laugh and the food and alcohol, albeit not much alcohol, took the edge off the coldness. 

Back on the bus and guess where we ended up?  Yes, Shoreditch.  I always gravitate back to the East; Bow, Mile End, Victoria Park, Hackney, Hoxton and Shoreditch.  We had a great time walking around Spitalfields (again) and got some excellent food.  I had a wrap with cous cous and it was lovely.  So no dinner for me this evening. We ended up in a hipster type bar (of course we did) and had a drink.  It has been so cold today in London.  The wind has been bitter but it has been a good day.  Back home, heating on, and curled up on the sofa, music on, candles on and chill time.

Sunday:  It is funny how my Sundays are now.  I get up at what some would consider is an early start, shower, little make up and get the bus up to Hoxton

to the Trews Ere Cafe to meet my friends and to meditate, chat, eat and drink tea.  It eases me into my Sunday.  It was so cold this morning. A beautiful blue sky but so cold. So it was purple hat, coat, boots and gloves.  Just as the bus got to London Bridge there was a road rage incident with a bloke in a car driving like a, well you fill in the gaps.  At the lights he got out and started yelling abuse to the bus driver.  I thought to myself, have I got to intervene here.  I didn't have to.  I love the journey through the City of London every Sunday. This part of London from Monday to Friday is normally so busy yet on a Sunday it is like a ghost town.  So peaceful.

I got off the bus and I walked along the Regent's Canal, with the joggers going round and round.  Such beautiful start to the day.  The cafe was warm and welcoming, as always.  But outside there was a film crew making the film A Street Called Ben.  So many vans full of technical equipment and wires and stuff.  Normally, it is so quiet but not this morning.

Had a lovely morning chatting to the people who attend the group.  They really are a lovely crowd and I do feel part of the group now and this is why I have come to London Two women who attend were telling me of a wonderful shop in Soho and Islington run by a guy called Paul Young; not the one who laid his hat and that was home.  He is a chocolatier and makes the most amazing chocolates and chocolate brownies. The girls were saying that these chocolates are the best.  So I will, for Christmas, treat myself to some.  So watch this space.

After meditation I walked into the shop next door to buy a pretzel and it was the film set lol.  I hears a voice say Miss, Miss you cannot go in there.  It looked like the shop to me!  So funny.  All the people in the shop were actors and I had walked onto a film set.  But hey, that is me.  Walked through the park and

The film set - yes it looks just like it normally does!

waited for the bus home.  I wanted to go out to an exhibition today; yet I really could not be bothered.  I know, sad but true. Back to the flat and I have chilled and watched American Horror Story all afternoon.  Same old, same old. I am losing my patience with the main characters.  I mean why would you stay in a house like that.  I had to sell my last house and I had to stay there. I was desperate to sell it.  That was like a Staffordshire Horror Story but that was tame compared to the stuff happening in this TV series. Saying that, there were plenty of times when I could have quite easily buried a body under the gazebo ............. but moving on. 

Andy was a little star and cooked macaroni cheese, with broccoli and parsnips and it was absolutely delicious.  I was so hungry and had seconds.  I love it when he cooks for us and he makes a wicked mac and cheese.  Belly full and heating on equals a very lazy and relaxed Sunday.  I looked at the calendar yesterday and I cannot believe how many weekends are left until Christmas. Next weekend for me is so busy and the one after will be in December and that means I can start decorating the flat.  I was trying to explain to Andy about the Elf of the Shelf but he didn't seem that bothered.  He will be when I have sprinkled my sparkle and turned our lovely flat into Santa's Grotto. 

So a lovely weekend has been and almost gone.  But all is well.

As always, with my love x

There's a hole in my soul, you can see it in my face. It's a real big place (Feel - Robbie Williams)

The heating come on this morning and it woke me up!  But I had a good nights sleep so it was no big thing.  Grey morning over London as I look

out of my window.  The start of another week.  It will fly by; no matter what happens.  The key is to make the most of every minute of it - regardless.  Every day is a fresh start, a new beginning. It gives a chance to start over. Unfortunately, I know of so many people who would like to be here now, moaning about another Monday morning. So open your books my friends at a new chapter of a new week in your amazing lives.

Monday:  Monday morning and all it's delights come and went and so did the afternoon.  Back to the flat and dinner cooked and consumed and a quiet night.  I learnt something new tonight. Andy taught me maths.  As many of you may or may not know, I am absolutely crap at maths.  I mean crap. I failed spectacularly my maths 'O' level not once, but twice.  With unclassified at both attempts.  I think they only gave me some marks for spelling my name correct! Tonight some mmmmm years later, I learnt about BODMAS.  I had never heard this before in my life.  I thought he was banging on about Bodmin in Cornwall. Andy wrote some sums down for me to do.  I cannot tell you how anxious I got when I saw them.  I was petrified. I obviously have PTSD when it comes to sums.  I remember my dear, sweet Meg and maths.  She was brilliant at them. God only knows where she got that skill from. At least that is something I cannot get the blame for!

So tonight I did maths.  I was so pleased with myself and Andy was so patient and such a good tutor.  It is no wonder I failed my exam so many times, I had no idea you had to look at the sums in the bracket first and do them.  No one ever told me there was routine to all this malarkey. So here are my sums.  I am quite proud of myself to be honest. But have no desire to do many more thank you very much.

4-3 (5+2) = -17

6x6 (4-1) = 108

2(7+3)-6(8+1) = 108

See everyday is still a school day.  Mind you I am a bit dense at times.  I only learnt a few years ago that the sun is a star and now, thanks to Andy once again I know who goes round what.  The moon goes round the earth and we all dance around the sun!  I guess I don't need to know all these things and when you get to my age, 29, you need your hard drive rebooting to make room for stuff that is important, not stuff that will never be used.  I think I will stick to what I know and do best and that is not sums!

Tuesday:  Today's homework was Excel.  I detest Excel.  However, I need to start to like it.  I had to devise two (very simple) forms for work.  So tonight I sit there, tongue hanging out (I do that when I concentrate) concentrating on these forms.  I am a lot better than I used to be, thanks to Andy, and tonight he once again gave me a lesson.  I have to say I was rather impressed with myself and also I now have done them for work tomorrow.  So go me again.  

Quiet night just chilling and watching some of The West Wing.  It also dawned on me that it is almost Christmas and I really better get organised.  I have one family present to buy and I do not have a clue what to get this person.  If I had made the connection I could have looked when I was walking around Brick Lane on Sunday.  But, doh! I did  not give it a thought.  Well I better see if we all survive Barney the storm first.  I did smile when I saw it's name as we used to have a rabbit called Barney.  He was a dear, sweet little rabbit.  We used to leave him out of his hutch all day; letting him explore the garden.  It is funny, as I said the other day, all these memories are stored in our hard drives, really to be recalled as and when we need them.

Wednesday: Moving to London was one of the easiest yet toughest decisions of my life.  But one of the best ones I have ever made.  I have been buying into a lifestyle.  A life that gives me choices, opportunities and new adventures.  The

past few weeks, for numerous reasons, I have let this slip.  I do not think, after all these years, the 9.00 to 5.00 lifestyle suits me and I know this is something, eventually, I will have to address. Whilst I will always remain 29 in my head, I guess, as much as I do not want to admit to it, I am not 29.  If I had been a few years younger, I would have applied to live in Australia.  But that option, one that had considered so many times throughout my life, is now closed to me. But that is the way it is.  Things happen, when they happen.  I have no regrets, how can I. But I need to now start to focus on my life here in London.  I need to be here for at least a few more years. Every time you move home, it costs so much money.  I am not making that kind of money that gives me so many choices.  I do not think Winter helps.  I have never been a Winter person and think I have that SAD thing; coupled with the run up to Christmas which, for the past four years have been so painful and difficult. Yet, here in London, I have the tools to build something. So I think I need to go back to the tool box and the manual and start rethinking what I really need to be building!

Well the toolbox never got out.  Barney (not the rabbit love him) put stop to that.  It was a very wet and windy night in London, plus it is a week to pay day and I am living like a student. It is amazing what you find lurking in the freezer and cupboard when you have to.  Plus, I want to save my last bit of money to enjoy at the weekend.

It is all good, I am trying to stay positive and then the psychic radio sends me a reminder that the Universe is listening.  It sent me the title of this week's blog. Another Robbie (sigh God help me) Williams song but one of my four favourites and I am sure the other two will emerge at some point!  There are so many lines in this song that hit a nerve:  'Come and hold my hand, I wanna contact the living.  Not sure I understand, this role I have been given.  I sit and talk to God and he just laughs at my plans.  My head speaks a language I don't understand'.  I saw the perfect job for me advertised today.  A Volunteer Manager, the role was to recruit and train volunteers to work with children in Thailand.  My heart skipped a beat.  Then I read all of the job description and I had to be a devote Christian. I am not. It was a Christian charity.  God laughed, literally, at my plans.  

Back to Robbie: 'Cos I got too much life, running through my veins, going to waste'.  Indeed I have. But society puts a label on me because of my birth certificate and to some extent, because of my gender.  Only certain people can see through the social construction that has been built around me. Back to Mr Williams: 'Scare myself to death, that's why I keep on running. Before I've arrived, I can see myself coming'.  I guess we are all running away from something.  Then good old Robbie Williams goes in for the final kill, right at the end of this song 'There's a hole in my soul, you can see it in my face, it's a real big place'. Many of you know what the whole in my soul is; and many of you can see it in my face, no matter how much I try and yes sure, it is a real big place. This aside I get comfort from my psychic messages.  It reminds me that there is so much going on that we can, if we just open our eyes, be part of.  The Universe is listening to me and for that I am thankful.

Thursday: Almost there.  There are so many exhibitions I want to see at the moment in London:  Alex Soth (Photograher) at the Science Museum, Jamie

Hewlett (Artist) at the Saatchi Gallery, The World Goes Pop (Art) at the Tate Modern.  I will aim to cross one of these off my list this weekend.  I am amazed I managed to survive in Stoke for so long without all this wonderful art and culture.  There is no point getting angry over it, that time has been and gone. But it got me kind of thinking how people go out of your life for various reasons, negative things they state that they do not want in their lives especially from you. Then they continue to build the same life, in the same place, with someone else.  I have no intention with just making do any more. OK my requirement list is extensive and so it should be.  I have always done with making do, all my life; next time, and there will be a next time, it will be different.  

Really challenging day today and it is not a full moon.  I did have to wonder but hey tomorrow is Friday and that is always a cause for celebration.  Tonight's tactics is to spruce things up a bit. I am fed up of being told I am nice and can we be friends. Or conversely, someone just looking to have a one night stand! So my new response to messages is:  Congratulations on reaching Stage One of your application to be the next man to disappoint and piss me off! Kindly advise me if you wish to proceed to Stage 2 of your application! ....................  I wonder what makes you think I really cannot be arsed with it all!

Friday: Wide awake at 4.30am .... I mean, really?  Give the girl a break.  But it is Friday and that is always cause for celebration.  I will take a late lunch, around 15:00 and grab a coffee and that caffeine fix will get me through the latter part of the afternoon (hopefully). 

Awful end to the week and finally got home just after 18:00 and poured myself a big glass of dry white!  I had to go to Tesco (sigh) after work.  It was so busy for a Tesco Metro it was heaving! Then the scanner thing would not work, sigh.  I leave there with three bags, headphones in and was stopped by two women who were speaking to me in Spanish.  I took my headphones out and looked at them and one of them said 'Oh aren't you Spanish?'  Believe it or not, not

everyone in our neighbourhood are Spanish.  They were from the Church of the Later Day Saints ...... Mormons.  I explained to them I had no faith and they gave me a card anyway.  Why do Mormon's have lovely teeth?  The Osmonds are Mormons and look at their teeth.

Two big glasses of wine and I am back in a good place.  I also need to say that the Winter coat is on as the temperature has certainly dropped and I did hear the word 'SNOW' mentioned on the weather forecast.  So it is the weekend. I am pleased I am not out tonight; my heart is not in it.  However, I do have some plans for the weekend so all is well.

As always, with my love x

When the day that lies ahead of me seems impossible to face. When someone else instead of me always seems to know the way (Lovely Day - Bill Withers)

The weekend is here and normally I just live for the weekend, but my mood is still down and I need to get a grip.  Andy and I had a good chat last night about my Nemesis.  Well he was ranting and getting angry (he always does), really angry, I cried (I always do) ............... so here is another day full of opportunities, sparkle and joy!

Saturday:  Spent a great deal of the night watching the news about the tragic events in Paris.  I know I am being naive, but why oh why can't we all just get along?  What has happened in Paris is terrible.  I cannot imagine it, nor do I

want to.  It is only time for London, I know that. But people have to continue to live their lives without fear of what may or may not happen.  If anything were to happen to me whilst living here in London, I was living my life to the full and my time was up. I remember when I first left school I come to work in London. This was the era of the IRA bombing campaign (do the maths, I am 29) and the whole city was on edge. My dear Nan was really angry with me choosing to work in London.  I tried to explain to her that, even then, we are living in dangerous times, but we need to live our lives.  Ironically, some 35 years later (still keep doing the maths, remember I am 29!) here we are again!  Do we ever learn?

Then just to make me feel better, I have a patch of red skin under my left eye which looks as if I have a shiner.  I think it is dry skin so went to bed last night with it covered in cream.  I think I will have to just wear my sunglasses and look mysterious ........ or bloody stupid!  I decided to do neither.  My eye is a lot better but the news and weather is not! Today will be a PJ and duvet day....... because I can.  I could have a Meet Up tonight but it is in Highgate, which for London, is miles away.  Pay day is some 11 days away so I am budgeting and prioritising; I will not be going to the Meet Up and it is OK.

I finally got showered and dressed at 13:50. Vegetables prepared for our pre-Sunday lunch later and I have just kicked back today; because I can.  The weather is suppose to be dry but colder tomorrow, So I will wear my new cape and my black hat (then I wont have to wash my hair!).  It got me thinking

about the good things, and yes there are some, about Winter.  So here we are: candles, winter coats, hats, scarves, boots, jeggings, leggings  parsnips, Brussel sprouts (love them), vegetable Sunday dinners, duvet days, PJs, home-made soup, casseroles, slow cooker, baths, my lovely winter duvet and lazy days.
All that nonsense aside, I am still a sunshine girl at heart. 

Our evening meal was wonderful, a pre-cursor to my Christmas Lunch I think. A lazy evening to a lazy day.  We just sat and watched a film on Netflix.  So a lazy day but hey what the heck!

Sunday:  Terrible nights sleep (again), things on my mind.  Made my way to my meditation group.  I was early, so spent some time sitting in Shoreditch Park, just watching the world go by.  I had some peanuts left in my bag for the squirrels so decided to give them to the birds.  It was like a scene out of The Omen.  I was surrounded by Rooks.  Around forty of them.  I did think, just for one minute, if one of these birds poop on me I am not going to be happy. Especially after the events that evolved the last time I was shit on (well by a bird at least).

Arrived at the Trew Era Cafe and was greeted by a little dog.  One of the women who work there had brought her little dog in:  Poppy.  She was a dear little soul. I spent ages making a fuss of her.  Sat having a talk with the other people there then did our meditation.  I so enjoy this group and that time I spend there.

 There is something just so calming and balancing about it.  Did not stay long as I had to make my way to Haggerston to meet my friend Sarah, who has just returned from 12 weeks in Iceland, the States and Mexico.  Whilst I was waiting for her I took some photos.  London looks so lovely with the Autumn colours.

Met with Sarah and we got on a bus and made our way to Chatsworth Road Market, which is in the East of London, Hackney.  We had a good old natter and it was great to hear about her trip.  It just makes me want to travel more.

 From Chatsworth Road we made our way back over to Shoreditch.  It is funny, out of all the places in London I seem to gravitate to the East.  Typical.  So many 'challenging' memories in Bow and Mile End but that's where I tend to end up.

We got of the bus at Shoreditch High Street and we both fancied (yet again) some mulled wine.  We made our way to Brick Lane Boxpark.  I liked it there.  There were many independent stalls, selling many vintage things and home made crafts and food form all around the world.  We found some Mulled Wine, which I must say, like Avocados, I now enjoy.  There was a demonstration of Japanese food being made and the guy approached us to see if we were interested.  I must admit it did look rather lovely.  We looked at the menus and it was all meat so Sarah says to the guy 'oh she (that is me) is vegetarian'.  Well she may as well have said that I was Attila the Hun!  He just looked at me and walked away.  It was so funny.

We wandered around Brick Lane and made our way over to Old Spitalfields Market which now is, once again, a market selling, craft, handmade items, food and stuff.  Such a beautiful building and such a good example of Victorian

Architecture. It never ceases to amaze me how small London really is.  This market is just a five minute walk from Liverpool Street Station, one of the main trainline routes into the City. The old traditional, mirrored with the corporate, money generating City. Spitalfields used to be, up until 1991 a market for fruit and vegetables but sells many things.  I did see a rather nice dress there, which was quite expensive (for me).  The guy selling it was helpful but pushy and I do not like that.  Also, there was really nowhere to try it

on and if I am spending that sort of money I want to have some privacy whilst I decide if I like it or not.  We shall see.  Once again, like most places in London, there was food everywhere from all around the world.  It is a wonder I am not the size of a market.  Sarah had an amazing looking cookie dough cake, but I am not really a sweet tooth person. She said it was lovely and it certainly looked it.  I have probably put on 4lbs just watching her eat it!

By then we needed a sit down and found a bar and had a drink and just sat chatting away.  We then made our way home and I left Sarah to get the

Overground from Shoreditch High Street and I went home on the bus.  A busy, busy day but a lovely day and it is so good to have her back, albeit only for a few weeks until she goes a wandering again!

Andy and I just chilled in the evening and we started to watch our new box set.  We have now finished Sex and the City and we treated ourselves, on Ebay, to the box set of The West Wing.  Three episodes in and it is as good as it has always been.  We both were tired and went to bed around 22:00.  I fell straight to sleep and slept round until 5:30 but then was wide awake.  But hey, for me that is a brilliant nights sleep.

So a strange weekend.  Sadness, disappointment (yet again), reflection; new memories, friendship and laughter.

As always, with my love x

She's a perfect 10, but she wears a 12, baby keep a little 2 for me (Perfect Ten - The Beautiful South)

'I see my path, but I don't know where it leads.  Not knowing where I'm going is what inspires me to travel it' Rosalia de Castro

Monday:  Monday mornings come round far too quickly.  I have had a brilliant weekend but here she is again Monday morning.  Today will be challenging.  I have always spoken out against injustice and this morning I am doing this.  It has put me in a difficult position but I feel I need to be supporting someone who is going though a difficult journey.  Unfortunately, by doing the right thing normally results in it being the most difficult thing.  Today was no exception.  I left work at 19:15 and started to make up the time I lost this morning.  Back to the flat.  I had texted Andy asking him to put some jacket potatoes in the oven. Ate them,  watched Gogglebox.  But to be honest I did not feel much like

laughing.  Andy had brought us some chocolate love him.  My favourite, chocolate orange.  It is so nice to have someone at home just to be there when you have had a challenging day.

I washed up, put my washing away and went to my room.  Not much fun tonight to be honest.  So the best place for me is my room whilst I figure it out. Facebook kindly reminded me today that four years ago today my memory was that I had a 30 minute conversation with Megan.  I posted what I would give now just to have that once again.  People kindly wrote some lovely things. But I live with living death every single day and as time passes it just gets more and more difficult. As Margaret posted: 'As a good friend of mine would say .... This time will pass!' (this is what I always say).  But I guess that this is the top and bottom of it; this time is passing and this time I will never, ever get back.  And that kills me each and every day.

Tuesday:

I awoke this morning before the alarm.  I guess it was because I was safe in the arms of Orpheus.  No that is not a new bloke!  Google it if you don't know.  So I made myself a sneaky cup of tea and went back to bed for half an hour.  This is my mantra for today, the picture on the left.  This time will pass.

And so it did.  The time past and I left work at 5.30pm and back to the flat for some food.  I was hungry tonight as I had not had lunch; just wasn't hungry, so why eat.  Home alone this evening so catching up with numerous phone calls.  The chores can wait until another night.  Just sitting here tonight, listening to some music, writing my blog and watching The Shard.  I still find it amazing that I am living in London and that, above all else, still makes me smile.

Wednesday:  Strange nights sleep. Woke at 3:44 which makes a change from 3:33 and could not get back to sleep.  Two rounds of peanut butter on toast, on bread that had seen better days, a cup of tea and an episode of Lewis, I nodded back off.  I was dreaming of Enya songs!  Yes I know, stay with me.  The alarm goes off and guess who is playing on the radio?  Queen!  Lol, no Enya's new

song, of which one of the lines are: 'Everything flows, here comes another new day'.  Welcome to my world. Considering I had a crap nights sleep, but Lewis was good (that is the programme not another bloke!) I feel ready to face another Humpday. Where are the weeks going?

Firstly, it was 9.30am; next it was 1.00pm! Crazy.  Home early night and into my leggings and top and chilling night tonight.  We are going to order a curry tonight as it is Diwali.  Strange day today. Once again, out of the blue I get a text from the past. A different past this time.  Why is it you never get a text from the past from the person you want it to be? Or even someone from the present!  Ipod is doing 'it's thing again'. It is on random play and it is totally tuned into my soul.  I had to go somewhere with a colleague this afternoon and it transpires that he went to the same University as some one once in my life.  Studied the same subject as that person and is the only other person to date, some 16 years later who knows what a factorial is! FYI this is a factorial ! and it is something to do with maths and computer science.  He was amazed by the coincidence.  I just smiled and acknowledged.  How can it all be a coincidence?

I then find this on my Facebook page and it made me giggle and giggle. I love the original version of this but his one is great.  My favourite line is swiping left on your future soul mate and it' a free ride when your Uber is up the street - love it! James Colden you really are priceless!

Curry consumed and we just kicked back and watched The Apprentice.  I don't know why I watch it to be honest, it just does my head in.  I look at them and think ......................... well you can guess what I am thinking.

Thursday:  This morning was just like a Spring day as I left the flat. The sky was blue and if it wasn't for the pile of leaves (which is getting bigger every day) outside of our flat, you would have thought it was March.  I still haven't worn my winter coats yet.  Back in August I bought a colourful winter cape which I have not had the opportunity of wearing.  The weather is still very warm, and still no heating on in the flat either.

Today has been extremely busy but the day has flown.  Tonight I am home alone.  Got the ironing board out, the first time in two weeks.  This is the woman who used to iron everything.  Now it is very little. Andy cannot wait for the day when I no longer iron my bedding linen.  I cannot imagine getting into my bed with un-ironed sheets.  Tonight I ironed sheets. Then I cleaned the flat, at least that frees me up the weekend.  I really must get up the west end one Thursday night for some late night retail looking.  I remember when I lived in Stoke I used to go on about late night shopping on a Thursday in London.  Still there is no rush; I am not going anywhere for a while ................... well not yet!

Friday:  Woke up this morning feeling meh! OK a couple of things are playing on my mind but not enough to make me feel so down.  It's Friday, it's the weekend, I have no reason to feel like it.  Hopefully, as the day passes, so will this feeling.  My iPod randomly greeted me on my short commute to work with: California Dreaming, I Wish They All Could be California Girls, Born in the USA! Really! Then to top the lot, never finished work until 18:00!  I was suppose to be out with PPLP tonight but I cancelled; don't feel up to it.  Back to flat and this is where I will stay tonight.  I can be out tomorrow night but might give that a miss to be honest.

I think it is the time of the year.  This always happens.  I miss Megan more than ever.  It is not Christmas itself that makes me sad but the weeks leading up to it. Trust me, I really do try to work on it.  But I see the children all wrapped up in their winter coats, excited about Father Christmas, writing their lists and I guess it just brings it all back to me ten fold.  But it is what it is.  I cannot see it changing.  I just have to live with it.

So today I have not had a text message I want to receive and I am now considering actually sending a pigeon! Then I have an invite out and when I say, oh go on then the response is oh I can't tonight!  I will never understand men for as long as I live.  But I am getting to the stage when I really can't be bothered to!  We have decided that the Sesame Street word of the weekend is:

COMMUNICATION

All comments and ideas will be gratefully received!

As always, with my love x