'I see my path, but I don't know where it leads. Not knowing where I'm going is what inspires me to travel it' Rosalia de Castro
Monday: Monday mornings come round far too quickly. I have had a brilliant weekend but here she is again Monday morning. Today will be challenging. I have always spoken out against injustice and this morning I am doing this. It has put me in a difficult position but I feel I need to be supporting someone who is going though a difficult journey. Unfortunately, by doing the right thing normally results in it being the most difficult thing. Today was no exception. I left work at 19:15 and started to make up the time I lost this morning. Back to the flat. I had texted Andy asking him to put some jacket potatoes in the oven. Ate them, watched Gogglebox. But to be honest I did not feel much like
laughing. Andy had brought us some chocolate love him. My favourite, chocolate orange. It is so nice to have someone at home just to be there when you have had a challenging day.
I washed up, put my washing away and went to my room. Not much fun tonight to be honest. So the best place for me is my room whilst I figure it out. Facebook kindly reminded me today that four years ago today my memory was that I had a 30 minute conversation with Megan. I posted what I would give now just to have that once again. People kindly wrote some lovely things. But I live with living death every single day and as time passes it just gets more and more difficult. As Margaret posted: 'As a good friend of mine would say .... This time will pass!' (this is what I always say). But I guess that this is the top and bottom of it; this time is passing and this time I will never, ever get back. And that kills me each and every day.
Tuesday:
I washed up, put my washing away and went to my room. Not much fun tonight to be honest. So the best place for me is my room whilst I figure it out. Facebook kindly reminded me today that four years ago today my memory was that I had a 30 minute conversation with Megan. I posted what I would give now just to have that once again. People kindly wrote some lovely things. But I live with living death every single day and as time passes it just gets more and more difficult. As Margaret posted: 'As a good friend of mine would say .... This time will pass!' (this is what I always say). But I guess that this is the top and bottom of it; this time is passing and this time I will never, ever get back. And that kills me each and every day.
Tuesday:
I awoke this morning before the alarm. I guess it was because I was safe in the arms of Orpheus. No that is not a new bloke! Google it if you don't know. So I made myself a sneaky cup of tea and went back to bed for half an hour. This is my mantra for today, the picture on the left. This time will pass.
And so it did. The time past and I left work at 5.30pm and back to the flat for some food. I was hungry tonight as I had not had lunch; just wasn't hungry, so why eat. Home alone this evening so catching up with numerous phone calls. The chores can wait until another night. Just sitting here tonight, listening to some music, writing my blog and watching The Shard. I still find it amazing that I am living in London and that, above all else, still makes me smile.
Wednesday: Strange nights sleep. Woke at 3:44 which makes a change from 3:33 and could not get back to sleep. Two rounds of peanut butter on toast, on bread that had seen better days, a cup of tea and an episode of Lewis, I nodded back off. I was dreaming of Enya songs! Yes I know, stay with me. The alarm goes off and guess who is playing on the radio? Queen! Lol, no Enya's new
Firstly, it was 9.30am; next it was 1.00pm! Crazy. Home early night and into my leggings and top and chilling night tonight. We are going to order a curry tonight as it is Diwali. Strange day today. Once again, out of the blue I get a text from the past. A different past this time. Why is it you never get a text from the past from the person you want it to be? Or even someone from the present! Ipod is doing 'it's thing again'. It is on random play and it is totally tuned into my soul. I had to go somewhere with a colleague this afternoon and it transpires that he went to the same University as some one once in my life. Studied the same subject as that person and is the only other person to date, some 16 years later who knows what a factorial is! FYI this is a factorial ! and it is something to do with maths and computer science. He was amazed by the coincidence. I just smiled and acknowledged. How can it all be a coincidence?
I then find this on my Facebook page and it made me giggle and giggle. I love the original version of this but his one is great. My favourite line is swiping left on your future soul mate and it' a free ride when your Uber is up the street - love it! James Colden you really are priceless!
Curry consumed and we just kicked back and watched The Apprentice. I don't know why I watch it to be honest, it just does my head in. I look at them and think ......................... well you can guess what I am thinking.
Thursday: This morning was just like a Spring day as I left the flat. The sky was blue and if it wasn't for the pile of leaves (which is getting bigger every day) outside of our flat, you would have thought it was March. I still haven't worn my winter coats yet. Back in August I bought a colourful winter cape which I have not had the opportunity of wearing. The weather is still very warm, and still no heating on in the flat either.
Today has been extremely busy but the day has flown. Tonight I am home alone. Got the ironing board out, the first time in two weeks. This is the woman who used to iron everything. Now it is very little. Andy cannot wait for the day when I no longer iron my bedding linen. I cannot imagine getting into my bed with un-ironed sheets. Tonight I ironed sheets. Then I cleaned the flat, at least that frees me up the weekend. I really must get up the west end one Thursday night for some late night retail looking. I remember when I lived in Stoke I used to go on about late night shopping on a Thursday in London. Still there is no rush; I am not going anywhere for a while ................... well not yet!
Friday: Woke up this morning feeling meh! OK a couple of things are playing on my mind but not enough to make me feel so down. It's Friday, it's the weekend, I have no reason to feel like it. Hopefully, as the day passes, so will this feeling. My iPod randomly greeted me on my short commute to work with: California Dreaming, I Wish They All Could be California Girls, Born in the USA! Really! Then to top the lot, never finished work until 18:00! I was suppose to be out with PPLP tonight but I cancelled; don't feel up to it. Back to flat and this is where I will stay tonight. I can be out tomorrow night but might give that a miss to be honest.
I think it is the time of the year. This always happens. I miss Megan more than ever. It is not Christmas itself that makes me sad but the weeks leading up to it. Trust me, I really do try to work on it. But I see the children all wrapped up in their winter coats, excited about Father Christmas, writing their lists and I guess it just brings it all back to me ten fold. But it is what it is. I cannot see it changing. I just have to live with it.
So today I have not had a text message I want to receive and I am now considering actually sending a pigeon! Then I have an invite out and when I say, oh go on then the response is oh I can't tonight! I will never understand men for as long as I live. But I am getting to the stage when I really can't be bothered to! We have decided that the Sesame Street word of the weekend is:
COMMUNICATION
All comments and ideas will be gratefully received!
As always, with my love x
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