There's a hole in my soul, you can see it in my face. It's a real big place (Feel - Robbie Williams)

The heating come on this morning and it woke me up!  But I had a good nights sleep so it was no big thing.  Grey morning over London as I look

out of my window.  The start of another week.  It will fly by; no matter what happens.  The key is to make the most of every minute of it - regardless.  Every day is a fresh start, a new beginning. It gives a chance to start over. Unfortunately, I know of so many people who would like to be here now, moaning about another Monday morning. So open your books my friends at a new chapter of a new week in your amazing lives.

Monday:  Monday morning and all it's delights come and went and so did the afternoon.  Back to the flat and dinner cooked and consumed and a quiet night.  I learnt something new tonight. Andy taught me maths.  As many of you may or may not know, I am absolutely crap at maths.  I mean crap. I failed spectacularly my maths 'O' level not once, but twice.  With unclassified at both attempts.  I think they only gave me some marks for spelling my name correct! Tonight some mmmmm years later, I learnt about BODMAS.  I had never heard this before in my life.  I thought he was banging on about Bodmin in Cornwall. Andy wrote some sums down for me to do.  I cannot tell you how anxious I got when I saw them.  I was petrified. I obviously have PTSD when it comes to sums.  I remember my dear, sweet Meg and maths.  She was brilliant at them. God only knows where she got that skill from. At least that is something I cannot get the blame for!

So tonight I did maths.  I was so pleased with myself and Andy was so patient and such a good tutor.  It is no wonder I failed my exam so many times, I had no idea you had to look at the sums in the bracket first and do them.  No one ever told me there was routine to all this malarkey. So here are my sums.  I am quite proud of myself to be honest. But have no desire to do many more thank you very much.

4-3 (5+2) = -17

6x6 (4-1) = 108

2(7+3)-6(8+1) = 108

See everyday is still a school day.  Mind you I am a bit dense at times.  I only learnt a few years ago that the sun is a star and now, thanks to Andy once again I know who goes round what.  The moon goes round the earth and we all dance around the sun!  I guess I don't need to know all these things and when you get to my age, 29, you need your hard drive rebooting to make room for stuff that is important, not stuff that will never be used.  I think I will stick to what I know and do best and that is not sums!

Tuesday:  Today's homework was Excel.  I detest Excel.  However, I need to start to like it.  I had to devise two (very simple) forms for work.  So tonight I sit there, tongue hanging out (I do that when I concentrate) concentrating on these forms.  I am a lot better than I used to be, thanks to Andy, and tonight he once again gave me a lesson.  I have to say I was rather impressed with myself and also I now have done them for work tomorrow.  So go me again.  

Quiet night just chilling and watching some of The West Wing.  It also dawned on me that it is almost Christmas and I really better get organised.  I have one family present to buy and I do not have a clue what to get this person.  If I had made the connection I could have looked when I was walking around Brick Lane on Sunday.  But, doh! I did  not give it a thought.  Well I better see if we all survive Barney the storm first.  I did smile when I saw it's name as we used to have a rabbit called Barney.  He was a dear, sweet little rabbit.  We used to leave him out of his hutch all day; letting him explore the garden.  It is funny, as I said the other day, all these memories are stored in our hard drives, really to be recalled as and when we need them.

Wednesday: Moving to London was one of the easiest yet toughest decisions of my life.  But one of the best ones I have ever made.  I have been buying into a lifestyle.  A life that gives me choices, opportunities and new adventures.  The

past few weeks, for numerous reasons, I have let this slip.  I do not think, after all these years, the 9.00 to 5.00 lifestyle suits me and I know this is something, eventually, I will have to address. Whilst I will always remain 29 in my head, I guess, as much as I do not want to admit to it, I am not 29.  If I had been a few years younger, I would have applied to live in Australia.  But that option, one that had considered so many times throughout my life, is now closed to me. But that is the way it is.  Things happen, when they happen.  I have no regrets, how can I. But I need to now start to focus on my life here in London.  I need to be here for at least a few more years. Every time you move home, it costs so much money.  I am not making that kind of money that gives me so many choices.  I do not think Winter helps.  I have never been a Winter person and think I have that SAD thing; coupled with the run up to Christmas which, for the past four years have been so painful and difficult. Yet, here in London, I have the tools to build something. So I think I need to go back to the tool box and the manual and start rethinking what I really need to be building!

Well the toolbox never got out.  Barney (not the rabbit love him) put stop to that.  It was a very wet and windy night in London, plus it is a week to pay day and I am living like a student. It is amazing what you find lurking in the freezer and cupboard when you have to.  Plus, I want to save my last bit of money to enjoy at the weekend.

It is all good, I am trying to stay positive and then the psychic radio sends me a reminder that the Universe is listening.  It sent me the title of this week's blog. Another Robbie (sigh God help me) Williams song but one of my four favourites and I am sure the other two will emerge at some point!  There are so many lines in this song that hit a nerve:  'Come and hold my hand, I wanna contact the living.  Not sure I understand, this role I have been given.  I sit and talk to God and he just laughs at my plans.  My head speaks a language I don't understand'.  I saw the perfect job for me advertised today.  A Volunteer Manager, the role was to recruit and train volunteers to work with children in Thailand.  My heart skipped a beat.  Then I read all of the job description and I had to be a devote Christian. I am not. It was a Christian charity.  God laughed, literally, at my plans.  

Back to Robbie: 'Cos I got too much life, running through my veins, going to waste'.  Indeed I have. But society puts a label on me because of my birth certificate and to some extent, because of my gender.  Only certain people can see through the social construction that has been built around me. Back to Mr Williams: 'Scare myself to death, that's why I keep on running. Before I've arrived, I can see myself coming'.  I guess we are all running away from something.  Then good old Robbie Williams goes in for the final kill, right at the end of this song 'There's a hole in my soul, you can see it in my face, it's a real big place'. Many of you know what the whole in my soul is; and many of you can see it in my face, no matter how much I try and yes sure, it is a real big place. This aside I get comfort from my psychic messages.  It reminds me that there is so much going on that we can, if we just open our eyes, be part of.  The Universe is listening to me and for that I am thankful.

Thursday: Almost there.  There are so many exhibitions I want to see at the moment in London:  Alex Soth (Photograher) at the Science Museum, Jamie

Hewlett (Artist) at the Saatchi Gallery, The World Goes Pop (Art) at the Tate Modern.  I will aim to cross one of these off my list this weekend.  I am amazed I managed to survive in Stoke for so long without all this wonderful art and culture.  There is no point getting angry over it, that time has been and gone. But it got me kind of thinking how people go out of your life for various reasons, negative things they state that they do not want in their lives especially from you. Then they continue to build the same life, in the same place, with someone else.  I have no intention with just making do any more. OK my requirement list is extensive and so it should be.  I have always done with making do, all my life; next time, and there will be a next time, it will be different.  

Really challenging day today and it is not a full moon.  I did have to wonder but hey tomorrow is Friday and that is always a cause for celebration.  Tonight's tactics is to spruce things up a bit. I am fed up of being told I am nice and can we be friends. Or conversely, someone just looking to have a one night stand! So my new response to messages is:  Congratulations on reaching Stage One of your application to be the next man to disappoint and piss me off! Kindly advise me if you wish to proceed to Stage 2 of your application! ....................  I wonder what makes you think I really cannot be arsed with it all!

Friday: Wide awake at 4.30am .... I mean, really?  Give the girl a break.  But it is Friday and that is always cause for celebration.  I will take a late lunch, around 15:00 and grab a coffee and that caffeine fix will get me through the latter part of the afternoon (hopefully). 

Awful end to the week and finally got home just after 18:00 and poured myself a big glass of dry white!  I had to go to Tesco (sigh) after work.  It was so busy for a Tesco Metro it was heaving! Then the scanner thing would not work, sigh.  I leave there with three bags, headphones in and was stopped by two women who were speaking to me in Spanish.  I took my headphones out and looked at them and one of them said 'Oh aren't you Spanish?'  Believe it or not, not

everyone in our neighbourhood are Spanish.  They were from the Church of the Later Day Saints ...... Mormons.  I explained to them I had no faith and they gave me a card anyway.  Why do Mormon's have lovely teeth?  The Osmonds are Mormons and look at their teeth.

Two big glasses of wine and I am back in a good place.  I also need to say that the Winter coat is on as the temperature has certainly dropped and I did hear the word 'SNOW' mentioned on the weather forecast.  So it is the weekend. I am pleased I am not out tonight; my heart is not in it.  However, I do have some plans for the weekend so all is well.

As always, with my love x