Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus laid down his sweet head. The stars in the bright sky looked down where he lay, the little Lord Jesus asleep in the hay (Away In A Manger)

There was only one true winner for the Christmas week blog.  Anyone who knows me will know how this song affects me.  Just typing this I am trying not to cry (good tears) as it brings back all kinds of emotions.  It is such a simple song and I always associate it with children at nativity plays, standing there with huge smiles on their faces singing to their Mum and Dad.  So proud and so excited about the forthcoming visit by Father Christmas. This Christmas carol is my favourite. I cry buckets when I hear children sing it. For years, my Megan would stand at school and sing this, then look to see if I was crying.  I always cried and cried but with a huge smile on my face as I was just so proud of her. I remember her saying once to one of her school friends 'Look at my my Mum, look.  She is crying' as she laughed and waved at me.  Well Meg, your Mum still cries every time she hears this and I guess she cries just that little bit more now!

Monday:  Oh the Mondays come round oh so quick, but this week will be different.  To date, out of my circle of friends, I am the only one remaining in London over the Christmas holidays.  PPLP is still in town but has all his family over from France, how lovely is that. By the end of the week London will be empty. I have just tweeted am I going to be the only one left in London?  I have never seen Home Alone (sad but true) but I guess this is what it feels like.  


9.00-5.00 come and went but not without a purchase.  I have bought a Book for Bedtime for Andy and I.  I was educated via Ladybird Books and remember them well.  Tonight I shall be reading Dating.  So, it is story time at our flat. So boys and girls, where do you think this story is going to go when the first line is: 'Dating is a fun way of meeting someone who is as terrified of dying alone as you are' and the last page reads ' It is Barney and Leigh's wedding day. They have certainly come a long way from their first date. They have learned to suppress their personalities and pretend they want the same things, so they will be able to put up with each other for several years. Every one is happy for them'.  We were crying with laughter!

I then had a lovely phone call with my friend Jackie (the one who left her knickers in my bed back in the summer) and we were crying with laughter again as today, she bought me another Ladybird Book called The Hipster.  I can't wait to receive it.  So a day full of love and laughter. 

Tuesday:  9.00-5.00 was a bit crazy today.  You can tell it is a full moon on Friday. Met Andy and we caught the bus to the cinema.  We went to Pizza Hut first for some food and felt quite stuffed (bit like the pizza) when we left.  We had tickets for the 19.30 showing but managed to bring it forward to the 18.30 showing of the new Star Wars film.  I had to get my head around the first one was the fourth one and this is the seventh one.  That aside oh how I enjoyed it. I become rather childlike if I am honest.  How I would love to have a light sabre and be a Jedi Mistress. I will not ruin the plot to any of you who have not seen it, but it was so, so, so good.  I would love to see it again.

Back home and two things finally brought the tears back.  Albeit good tears. Firstly, my dear friend Cherise sent me a card with a picture of her gorgeous children on it and inside (it was a Moon Pig card) it said that they love me to the moon and back.  This is what I have always said to my daughter.  So that made the old chin wobble.  Then I had a large A4 envelope with no idea what it was. When I finally got it opened there was a card from my friend Jackie saying she wanted to do something special.  She has had a star named for me.  The star is in the Orion belt and it is a red star and she has named it Megan; so that she will always be there with me high in the sky, forever.  That was it.  I sobbed and sobbed.  Poor Andy did not know what to do.  It was happy tears but tinged with such sadness and oh so much pain.  I guess not matter how much I try, this will always be my Achilles' Heel.

I remember someone (who I shall remain nameless) say to me that I had no family and no one cared about me.  How wrong they were.  I am so blessed. OK I may not have any close family; just my Aunt.  But I am loved so much.  I have a family so rich in love from all corners of the world; near and far. I need to dig deep now and not let this two wonderful, thoughtful gifts knock me back. I feel so loved.  I hope one day my daughter reads this and realises that just because you do not have a family it does not mean that people do not care about you.  Love runs a lot deeper.

Wednesday:  London is so quiet.  Hardly any cyclists on my little commute this morning; yet later when I had to get the bus to my outreach place the traffic was horrendous.  I pass an out of town supermarket and the queues for the car park reminded me that yes, it is Christmas.  Felt a bit meh today.  I think it was the lovely gift I received yesterday that kind of knocked me a bit.  But I will dig deep and just get on with it.  As always, this time will pass.

So Andy was busy packing for his trip home for Christmas and was sitting blogging.  It will be strange the next few days for so many reasons. But I guess I will miss just having him around; even though we do our separate things it will be strange to be alone, especially at Christmas as normally I have for the past four years done my volunteering and then visited people on Boxing Day.  I still have no idea what I am going to do Christmas Day.  But then I guess I do not have to decide yet.  I received a Christmas present from Jackie today (yes another one) it was another Ladybird Book for Grown-ups called The Hipster.  It was so funny and there were certain elements, once again in this book, that were a mirror image of my life.  So funny. In fact, I am sure I have dated the guy on the front cover of this book. We really do need the whole set of them now.  


Christmas Eve: 9.00-5.00 never ceases to amaze me.  I received an email stating I could leave work early today. At 4.30.  I may just stay to 5.00 just for the sheer fact that I can and to be an awkward bitch.  Sigh. 


Andy was all packed and ready to go home for Christmas.  We said our goodbyes and Merry Christmas before I left the flat for work.  It will feel strange going home to a totally empty flat for the next few days.  I used to live on my own before but this time it was different.  I loved my little cottage but never saw a soul; I did not like it.  So I should be able to survive a few days!

Timing has never been one of my strongest points. Yet this time, it was not me. It was the timing of others.  Semi melt down at work; not good but managed to recover it.  Then total melt down the minute I got in the flat.  It just never gets any easier and I guess I don't want it to either.  So I am trying not to be too hard on myself.  I thought I may as well start to watch It's a Wonderful Life now then that will finish me off then I can have wine and go to bed.  I am sitting her watching the planes fly in and out of London and I am wondering who they are carrying, where they have come from, where they are going to. It reminds me of the opening scenes to Love Actually (my other traditional Christmas film). The film opens with the arrivals lounge at Heathrow Airport.  People are hugging and kissing their friends, family as they meet up again for Christmas.  I start to cry the minute I see it.  Oh what I would give right now to hug a certain someone; I would never let her go.  But until then I guess I have to be a George Bailey and hope that someone one day some says to me 'What is it you want Karen? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. That's a pretty good idea.  I'll give you the moon Karen'.  Tonight there is a beautiful full moon in the sky, but no one has a lasso. 

May your Christmas be filled with love, laughter and peace and as always, with my love x