There's a place in your heart and I know that it is love. And this place could be much brighter than tomorrow. And if you really try you'll find there's no need to cry, in this place you'll feel there's no hurt or sorrow (Heal The World - Michael Jackson)

This song always makes me cry; it always has.  But now the words kind of take on a different meaning.  There are a couple of songs, that when I hear the first few bars I feel that lump in my throat, my eyes start to well up and that is it.   I just love the words of this song.

Monday:  Mondays are not good.  I will not go into details, but I find Mondays a struggle.  This time will pass.  I will spread kindness.  That always works or it totally pisses people off.  Either way; it is a winner.  Andy was saying he is going to make me a star chart to see if I can go any day without crying.  This is the problem of living with someone now.  In the past, at this time of the year, I could squirrelled myself away and sob to my hearts content.  Now I have Andy.  I would be totally lost without him (well I wouldn't, I would get on with it, but you know what I mean).  He is seeing first hand how difficult this time of the year is for me.  I can't help it, I hate doing it to him; but it is what it is.

Thank goodness I slept last night; strange dreams, but sleep nonetheless.  Its a very grey Monday morning in London. I need a holiday.  Normally, I have a tripped booked up.  It gives me something else to focus on that my melancholy pre-Christmas mood.  But this year it is not possible and that is OK, living in London is enough. Yet I need that distraction, that excitement.  I need that excuse to go to the library and get a book on where I am going, to do my research.  Now I am living in London it is so easy to get a flight, so many options to choose from. I have said before that many people actually leave the City for the weekend; going back to the suburbs (no thanks) or taking a flight to another City.  I think this is what I will plan, a trip to another City in Europe that I have not visited.

9.00-5.00 done.  I have come to the conclusion that most people, well certain people, do not deserve me in their life. I have tried to kill people with kindness, but it is exhausting. But there are only a handful of people who I should reserve my energy for, especially at this time of the year for me.  The rest can, well the rest can just do one! This is the way I am feeling.  By wasting time, energy, thoughts and kindness on the majority of people is wasted to the detriment of my own positive energy.  I will focus my energies on me and those close to me who deserve it.  I am sick of being called cool and kind. I do not want to be cold and cruel, but saying that, I am witnessing people being cruel and feel powerless to do anything about it.  But my time will come. The one thing I hate the most is people being cruel to others through bullying, isolation, ignoring them or ostracising them. The good thing is, if any of them are reading this (which I suspect they are not) they would not even know what ostracising means! 

So tonight I booked a weekend break!  I have something to focus on now.  I will not say where at this point.  There is no point.  But it is significant and hopefully I will have fun.

Tuesday:  It is a new dawn; it is a new day. But not the best nights sleep again. I refuse to let my 9.00-5.00 life impose any more of its time out of the perimeters of 9.00-5.00. So I was watching 4 on Demand at 4.00am.  World Aids Day today.  This is something that, since the 80's, has been very dear to my heart. I remember seeing the whole HIV evolve in the UK.  The stigma, the discrimination, the outing of people.  Life was so different for many people back then, purely because of their sexuality.  Then when HIV raised it's ugly head, it gave the media, the Government another opportunity to make life for certain groups even more difficult.  I have always tried to be a voice for those under-represented in our world.  HIV is my baby.  

I guess it is very dear to my heart for numerous reasons.  Yes, our Karen has always liked the gays is one of them. The gay community took the main hit of HIV+ infections back in the 80's.  But what many of you may not know is that there is an infection that can live a great deal longer outside of the body in blood than the HIV virus, and that is Hepatitis C.  Many people who are HIV+ have viral Hepatitis C or are at a greater risk of being infected with Hepatitis C.  and My Father died from Hepatitis C back in 1991.  We did not know this at the time; the medics did not know it at the time. Until he died. The virus itself, was not discovered until 1989.  So every year I will, in my own little way, remember those who are living with or affected by HIV and Hepatitis C, and I will remember those who lost their fight.

Wednesday:  A really interesting day today.  Training at Old Street.  I do like it that end of town. Had a lovely lunch with a woman I know on the training and spread my sparkle amongst the others, who to be honest, a couple could do with learning to smile. Rushed home and quick shower, change, make up and on the bus up to Soho.  The bus went past Parliament and it was buzzing with the protesters protesting about bombing Syria.  For what it is worth, violence with violence is not the answer; I do not know what the answer is.  Off the bus at the end of Regent Street and I had a sneaky look at the lights.  They look amazing. But more about that later.  

I went to Soho and met my Italian friend outside an Italian Restaurant called Princi in Wardour Street.  It was beautiful.  It was full of gorgeous men and my host was the perfect Italian gentleman.  I had a slice of pizza with spinach and cheese and he had two slices of meat pizza, we had an Italian beer each and once again, and he does this, he did not let me pay. We found a seat and we sat and chatted, eating pizza, drinking beer and laughing like two teenagers.  We then went on to a bar where I had a well earned gin and tonic and he had another beer.  My friend also is a photographer and has been to some amazing countries.  Back in the summer he went to Madagascar and took the most amazing photos.  In a week he is off to Oman, again to take photos.  I told him that I was off to Peckham ........ not exactly the same.  We both had no intentions of staying out late on a school night.  I have a busy day tomorrow and he has a 9.00am meeting in Canary Wharf.  We said our goodbyes with all that kissing.  The Italians do three; the French two. We will not see each other now before Christmas as he is going back to Italy on Christmas Eve but we shall meet up again in the New Year.  It was just what I needed tonight, I got a bit of my sparkle back.

Walked along to Piccadilly Circus and back on the bus.  I ended up chatting to a woman on the bus (as I do). We were stuck at Parliament Square for ages

Me (on a good day)

because of the debate so we were chatting and both in agreement about the airstrikes vote.  She was a lovely woman and we chatted all the way to my stop. She wished me a Merry Christmas and said that I was lovely and she thought I looked like Michelle Pfeiffer.  Yes she was sober and quite stable.  Lol I can't see it myself.  I will ask Andy when he comes in but he has been out drinking this evening so that may help.  That is what I love about London. Tonight, there was so much going on.  21:00 hours and London was so busy; it was like it was 14:00 in the afternoon.  So many people, bars full, restaurants full, traffic crazy. The City was buzzing. London is all

Michelle on a good day!

dressed up and ready for Christmas and I love it. I am so excited about Christmas this year and I know it is because I am here.  Don't get me wrong. This is the worst time of the year for me but I haven't cried for three days and this is good.  I also have my City break weekend to look forward to at the end of January. This weekend Andy and I or Phil and Kirsty as we shall call ourselves, are decorating the flat for Christmas. 

When I moved, I kept a box of Christmas decorations.  I felt I needed to do this; even though space in London is a premium.  So we shall get that box out of the cupboard and see what I kept.  We both have an Advent Calendar.  I have always brought Andy one from the first Christmas we knew each other. His Nan always used to buy him one, so I now do that.  He has Marvel, he does that geeky stuff; I have a teddy bear one.  See, you are never too old, especially at Christmas.  FYI Andy does not think I look like Michelle Pfeiffer as to quote him 'he thinks she is gorgeous and would want to be straight to be with her'. Also, he did remind me that she was Cat Woman in all that black lycra.  I do not think I want to be Michelle as much as I love Andy, I don't want him hitting off on me!

Thursday:  Today was a good day.  9.00-4.30 (I left early) was really good.  I left work at 4.30 and met Andy at the bus stop and we went up to Trafalgar Square to see the switching on of the Christmas Tree lights.  We sat there like two homeless people, being given hot chocolate by the Salvation Army. When Norway was invaded in 1940, the King of Norway, come and lived in London and the Norwegian Government functioned from here. The Oslo Christmas Tree in Trafalgar Square has come to symbolise the close friendship between the two countries.  It is the start of Christmas for most Londoners, hence me wanting to go along and see it happen.  The tree itself is the same age as me; my real age. To be honest, the tree looked a bit ragged around the bottom; unlike me! Apparently the Norwegian's earmark the tree years ahead.  The tree is 25 metres high and keeping with the Norwegian tradition, it is decorated with white (low energy) lights and not looking like something out of Vegas, which Andy wanted.  The ironic thing is when the lights come on the wind caught the tree and it looked like a giant jelly fish!  We just burst out laughing as we all know what jelly fish is!

We decided to go and grab something to eat after all this wildness and made our way up to Piccadilly Circus and went into a restaurant chain called Byron. They specialise in burgers, so it was a veggie burger for me and very nice it was as well.  Caught the bus right outside of the restaurant and made our way home.  So Christmas has started in London.

 Friday:  So here we are again; Friday.  Work out of the way and back to the flat and just had a lazy evening.  I have quite a busy weekend so pacing myself. Not a bad week considering.  I have not been so upset this week, but I know and experience has taught me, that my sadness can just wash over me.  But, I will breathe and take each day as it comes and try to spread my sparkle whenever I can.

As always, with my love x