Keep On Chasing Down That Rainbow; You'll Never Know What You Might Find! (What a Life - Noel Gallagher)

Exciting day today!  It is Friday.

Well what happened to the weather?  All those lovely, hot summer days and today!  To say rain would be an understatement.  But that was not going to darken my day.  I left the flat in between the showers and got to London Bridge early.  Now I know there are a lot of building and engineering work going on at that station at the moment but, there was not an arrivals board.  Departure boards - no arrival board.  So you can depart from London Bridge, but you can never leave.  That is like a reversed line from an Eagle's song.

I finally found someone who was helpful and made my way down to Platforms 1, 2 and 3.  So I am standing there, listening to my music minding my own business and an assistant just asks me if I am OK.  I explained to her that I was waiting from a train to come from the Medway Towns and she said it would arrive on Platform 2 or 3.  I then told her that I was here to meet my friend that I had not seen for 36 years.  She was amazed and we got chatting (as I do).  It then turns out that both herself and her month and previously worked where I worked and that her Mum lives just round the corner from one of my friends in Kent ......... of course they do!  That six degrees of separation strikes again.  

I moved to the end of Platform 2 & 3 and then Karen arrived.  Oh it was so great.  We just hugged, screamed, laughed cried and then repeat.  It was so great.  The lovely woman who I had been talking to took a photo for us.  It really was a lovely moment.

I know it is a strange thing to say, but it was like we had never been apart.  We were both so happy to be together.  The weather by now was utterly vile, so we went to the nearest Costa and sat and talked, and talked and talked.  Sometimes it was happy things; sometimes it was tragic things that we shared about our lives. Filling in the gaps.  I did have to smile as one of the songs they started playing when we were chatting was the Elbow song with the line in that I have quoted before ... 'If we only pass this way but once, what a perfect waste of time'.  Nah not a coincidence, just the way my life is.  We went to Borough Market and had one of the most amazing toasted cheese sandwiches ever (this is about the forth time I have been there and they are amazing).  We wanted to walk along the river but the paths and road were turning into a river by then.  So we just found a Pret a Manger and had more coffee.  As we were walking from the counter with our drinks the guy asked if we would like some napkins and Karen thought he said 'Nice tits' lol which made a scream with laughter.  And that is very much how the rest of the afternoon panned out. 

It is funny when you look back.  You see things and remember things that are important to you but may not be to anyone else.  So Karen's interpretation of something had a different angle to mine and visa versa.  It was so funny as we were remembering names from school, romance and more.  The time just flew; I knew it would.  It was such a shame but we were just so thankful that we had met up and done this.

We walked back up to London Bridge station and it was mayhem.  Trains were cancelled.  A train finally arrived for Karen and we hugged and kissed and hugged some more and she got on the train.  I have to admit I felt sad to see her go but I know that we will meet up again soon.  She had a terrible journey home because of the trains but I am so pleased that we had spent this time together.

On the way home I was thinking (as I do) about how as a child then as a teenager you have these dreams, thoughts ideas about how you want or think your life should pan out. Things you think you have a God given right to have.  I guess it is naivety or you could argue, wishful thinking.  Then life takes hold and it shapes you, hardens you, changes you.  But today we took off that armour and remembered how it used to be, remembered our dreams and thoughts, our old friends our memories.  I am so thankful that I had that opportunity.  We shall meet up again soon.

Back to the flat absolutely wet through, so shower and PJs and a relaxing evening.

Saturday: The trouble with not working is that every day seems like a weekend.  Now you may think that is a good thing; it is not.  I am beginning to crave for structure.

Today Andy and I went for brunch at King's Cross.  We went to Dishoom, the Indian restaurant I went to the other week at Shoreditch.  Beautiful place and the most wonderful food.  Andy had the Big Bombay which was an Indian take on a English Breakfast I had the most amazing scrambled eggs, mushrooms and tomato.  We had chai which was amazing and I had three cups of it.  We also had a blended fruit juice each.  Once again I cannot fault the food and would highly recommend this restaurant.

The food is really filling and that lasted me all day.  I could not get over how much King's Cross has changed.  Before it used to be a kind of no go area but now, like many places in London it has been gentrified and now is full of hipsters ....... which are, let's face it, easy on the eye and trendy.

I left Andy at the tube and I went to do some shopping as there was only wine and cheese on my shelf in the fridge.  I went to the supermarket then to the South East Asian supermarket, which I love and is only five minutes up the road.  So noodles, spices, sushi and bits and bobs later and walked home.  It was a beautiful day today, such a contrast from yesterday.  

A few hours relaxing at home and then it was time to get ready as I was on another Meet Up night out.  I have to admit was a little bit, well I cannot say anxious, but I guess guarded because of the incident two weeks ago.  This Meet Up was a brand new group and it was to meet and to just go for a drink in certain areas of London.  The first one as in Kennington, just down the road.

I arrived at the first pub and met the people and I have to say I had a really, really lovely evening.  I met a couple who have moved to London from Hong Kong.  Helen knew all about the community garden project locally and I am going to email her today and go along with her.  I learnt from three girls about the 'Tumble Weave' lol of Peckham. Basically, this is found in the street and is the extension hair that mainly black women use.  When the hairdresser's doors open the wind catches it and it rolls down the street . . . . . hence Tumble Weave (not weed).  I thought it was hysterical and there are pictures of it.  So here we go.

This really did amuse me and me and the girls had a good giggle.  At the second pub we also all played Bar Billiards, something I haven't seen for ages and it was such a laugh.  A really lovely group of people.  Some started to leave and we left for the third and final pub.  Here I learnt a great deal about different whisky and that you never, never add ice to it lol.  A great evening!

By now the group was about six of us and I thanked Jamie, the organiser for starting up this group.  It was relaxed, fun and really enjoyable.  We talked about loads of things and it really was a great group ....... at last!  So the next meet up is in a couple of weeks on a Wednesday evening then in a months time on a Saturday again where we will be visiting pubs at Angel.  Which will be great as I have not been up that way yet.

So walked home.  Yes I walk home.  I do not feel that I will get attacked or anything stereotypical of people's thoughts of London.  I think that if you walk with confidence, not grabbing hold of your bag and waiting for something to happen it will happen.  I just stroll around like it is three in the afternoon.  So got home had a chat with Andy and went to bed very contented.

Sunday: Mmmmm really interesting day today which I am not going to share.  Come on, give the girl a break! You don't have to know everything about my life! So I will share some more graffiti from the other day with you and some more beautiful ironwork I found not to far from our flat.  Enjoy!  And I know for some of the more curious of you it will be killing you that  you don't know ...... but hey get over it lol, that is life!

As always, with my love x

Eat, Sleep, DBS, Repeat (Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat - Fat Boy Slim)

This is very much my life ........ eat, sleep, check DBS, repeat.  And guess what? No change with the DBS.  I really do have to ask myself how this government expects people to work when they put in place hurdles that just restrict people's income.  Utter madness.

Monday:  Overcast and cloudy day in London this morning.  I can just about see the top of the Shard.  I use this as my weather vain.  I need to go to the gym but I hate walking there when it is raining.  So I have just posted the weekend blog and having a cup of tea then I will give myself a shake and get myself off to the gym.  I know, once I have been there, I will feel better for it. And I worked very hard too.  I was Little Miss Determined and was absolutely knackered when I got back to the flat.

I was thinking yesterday .... yes I know.  In London when you use the escalators you have to stand to the right so people can overtake you on the left.  Why?  Why do we do this?  In this country we drive on the left and overtake on the right, so why is it totally different on the escalators.  If any one knows, I would love to find out.

Beautiful tiles at Piccadilly Circus Tube Station

The Tate Modern London from yesterday's visit

Tuesday:  Beautiful, sunny morning full of opportunities.  I still find it amazing that I wake up every morning in this beautiful city.  Looking at it I guess I am living my life backwards; but hey that is me.  I am having more fun now than I have ever had in my life.  I am meeting so many interesting people from all walks of life.  This would never have happened if I had stayed North.  I have dear, sweet, Andy (he would hate being called that) to keep me company and to walk with me on this journey.  Last night we just sat and giggled for ages.  I was chatting to some bloke on line who said that he was a Sales Director for an Artisan Dessert company! The ironic thing was that prior to this Andy and I were talking about Arctic Rolls after hearing them mentioned on Coronation Street.  We said that if we were in Stoke still an Arctic Roll would be an artisan dessert. In fact we are doing well as I also know the very sweet Ghostbuster who is an extremely experienced and in some circles, well known chef specialising in Japanese and East Asian food (as you know, my favourite).  So we have the main course lined up and now and maybe the dessert.  We just need a guy who sells wine now and we have a free meal! 

I was laughing so much I was crying.  It got very silly.  But that is the joy of living here.  You get to meet so many different people who all bring a little joy, knowledge or frustration to your life.  I have never previously shared a home with anyone unless I was in a 'relationship' with them.  Andy and I are definitely not in a 'relationship'; we are in something lol.   He still does those blokey things: leaves the toilet seat up; I put it down. Crams as much as he possibly can in the bin; I empty it.  But it is different.  I don't get stressed about it.  Just get on with it.  It is just so lovely to have some company.  Don't get me wrong.  We both live our own lives. He is out with his friends tonight; I am out with mine. But we still do things together - sit and watch DVDs (we are currently working our way through the whole box set of Sex and the City at the moment), go out for dinner or the cinema.  It is a good balance and I am so fortunate and thankful for that day he walked into the office three and half years ago and into my life.  He was certainly sent to me.

This evening I was meeting Ian who I know from my time in Stoke.  I met him from the train at Waterloo as he was passing through on his way home.  We had a lovely meal Wahaca at Waterloo.  This is a Mexican restaurant that was founded by Thomasina Meirs who won Masterchef in 2005.  I have had dinner there before and when Jackie was down the other week we had street food from the takeaway van on the South Bank.  It was a really lovely meal (it always is), coupled with gin and good conversation.  So I said goodbye to Ian as he walked up to Waterloo and I walked home very full and content - and still smiling.

Wednesday:  Late last night I received a text message, which, if it happens, will make Friday a truly amazing day.  More to follow in due course.  But needless to say I am very exciting.  Walked to the gym this morning and was, once again, Little Miss Determined.  I did get the fit of the giggles at one point when I saw a guy in an Everton football shirt.  It is funny how you just don't forget things.  Talking of which.  The Toblerone has gone.  I finished it off the other night whilst watching (again but it was on the TV this time) Love Actually which I thought was very apt.  I have kept the box and it is in the Dignitas cabinet.  The world is obviously full of Toblerone so when the time comes, we can just replace it but it will still be symbolic.

Long day on a Wednesday for me.  Andy works late so I rarely see anyone all day. I know that once I start work this will change and I will probably make Wednesday a gym night to break the evening up. I was going to go out this afternoon but the sky has turned and the grey clouds are forming.  I took some pictures on Sunday when I was out and forgot to post them.  So here they are.

Looking down river you can see the City

I still have to pinch myself to believe that this is now home.  My playground.  Life really does take you on an amazing journey ...... if you allow it.

Chatting to an interesting guy today (as you do when you are not at work) and he was telling me that he loved the music of Nick Cave.  Now I have to admit, never really listened to any of it previously.  So open up YouTube and wow!  Where has that music been all my life?  Some of it has the most amazing lyrics. More 'stuff' to buy if I ever earn a wage again.

Thursday:  Lovely day today.  I met with Sarah who attends the Meet Up group I go to.  We arranged to meet at Borough Market and had a lovely afternoon walking along the Thames chatting away.  We ended up at the London Eye and we were both astonished to see how expensive it is to actually go on it!  £24.  Needless to say there were people queuing up to go on it.  I started to chat to Sarah on the last Meet Up at the Theatre and she is a kindred spirit.  She writes the amazing blog which covers all the amazing places in the world she has visited.  And in three weeks time, she is off to the United States, Mexico and finally settling in Argentina.  I asked her why Argentina and she replied 'why not'.  My kind of person.  

Sarah then took me to see some amazing, well I will call it art, you may chose to call it graffiti.  The ironic thing is, I passed this place on Tuesday when I was over at Waterloo and never noticed the footpath to it.  Sarah was telling me that the underpass was never used because it was dark and people would obviously feel quite vulnerable using it.  Now, people are actively encouraged to decorate the walls with their artwork; thus making the underpass a place where people want to be and to use.  Amazing artwork.  We stood for a time watching a guy paint a dog; amazing.  

Once again, and I know I keep saying it, there is just so much to see in London if you keep your eyes open and by meeting other people, you can learn so much.  We ended up having a drink and a good old chat and the time just flew by.  We are intending to meet again prior to Sarah going on her amazing journey, which I must say I am very, very, envious of and she intends to keep her blog going so I will be able to share her journey.  

Now I am going to publish this week's blog a day earlier!  Why I hear you cry? Well, tomorrow the most amazing thing is going to happen.  I am going to meet my dear, dear friend.  We started school together at the age of five and I remember that day well.  We walked into the class room and me, Karen (that is her name too) and a boy called Jonathan Best were playing with the sand tray.

Jonathan then tried to snatch something out of my hand (I cannot remember what it was) and I would not let him have it; so he threw sand at me.  Karen was opposite me and just stood and watched.  So, even at the age of five, I was not prepared to put up with that!  I threw sand at him back and I don't know if it did, or if he was pretending it did, but he said that it had gone in his eye and started to cry!  Guess who got told off on her first day at school?  I should have known then.  We all went through primary and junior school together and he was my first encounter with a ginger haired bloke .................... I am saying no more.

After primary school Karen and I went to secondary school.  I can remember us dancing to Ballroom Blitz by Sweet on my 13 birthday; ABBA wining the Eurovision Song Contest; talking about the boys we fancied lol and our spots.  We were inseparable.  Then in the third year of secondary school I transferred to the Grammar School and Karen remained where she was.  But we were still friends.  We used to spend all the school holidays together, off on our bikes, out for hours.  Going to the Wednesday night disco and lying about our age lol.  We obviously did not see as much as each other during the week, but always together at weekends.  We then both started to date two friends.  We both married these friends.  She is still married to Geoff; mine was a waste of space (no surprise there).

The last time we saw each other was New Year's Eve 1979! Yes, I know dear friends I am only 29 but hey maths has never been my strongest subject.  We have not seen each other since.  I cannot remember why or what happened that we drifted apart, and maybe that gap can be filled as tomorrow morning I am meeting her at London Bridge Station.  We have not seen each other for 35 years!  How amazing is this?  It got me thinking that even though the most awful thing has happened to me, there is still something good coming out of it. Because I changed my name back to my unusual maiden name, she found me.  As simple as that.  Karen said that she cannot believe after all this time it is happening and is nervous about it; I am like a child at Christmas.  I am so excited but she reminded me that I was always the more adventurous one.

So spare us both a thought tomorrow at 11.00am.  You will probably hear the screams, tears, laughter wherever you are in the world.  We have so much catching up to do, but hey, we have plenty of time.

As always, with my love x 

Go Straight To The Place Where You First Lost Your Balance (Angel - Elbow)

Saturday:  The title of this blog comes from one of my beloved Elbow songs. Go straight to the place where you first lost your balance, and find your feet with the people that you love.  That is what I knew I had to do.

I guess, just because it is another day, it doesn't mean that yesterday has been and gone.  It is now 12 Noon and I am still in bed, curtains closed.  I have no idea what is going on outside of that window and to be honest, at the moment I have little interest.  The problem with opening a box is that you cannot just close it and everything is fine.  I have started the process of doing this.  First in is hope.  I have to have hope.  There is hope when Megan still receives my What's App messages and I have not been blocked.   That is hope.  Over the weekend I will gradually start to put all the memories, pain, frustration and tears of yesterday back in the box on my left shoulder.  It will have to stay there for some time now as I cannot feel how this has left me feeling.  The one thing I have is life.  I need to continue to rebuild my life and if it means that the box remains shut; then so be it!

So I guess the first step is actually to drag my sorry carcass out of bed ........14:00 I leave the flat.  It was a beautiful day. I went to Elephant and Castle train station and got a train to Herne Hill and attended the Lambeth County Show.  I know many of you think that London is expensive. The entry to this event was totally free, however for the princely sum of £1 you could buy a map of the event and hence make a donation.  I paid £1. It was the best pound I could have spent today.

As I walked into the huge park I found myself walking over to my left where there were some tents.  Then to my disbelief or utter joy I saw a stall.  This stall was for the Gurkha Charitable Trust and there was one lone Gurkha manning it.  This may not mean a thing to you; I mean, why should it.  I approached the guy, who looked in his late 70s and he smiled and I said 'Hello, may I shake your hand' and he beamed, took my hand then put his other hand over it and squeezed them.  While he was doing this I said to him 'My Father was serving with the Gurkha's during his time in Malaya in the 1950s and he always talked so highly of you and was pleased you were on  the same side'.  He still held my hand and said that he had served in Malaya and his eyes drifted off as he remembered.  I explained to him that my Father would never speak to us about it and the guy said how it had been a tough campaign.  We stood talking for some time.  I obviously made a donation, not as much as I wished I could have, then asked if I could take his picture. He said he would pull his tummy in and I was to let him know when he could breathe.  He shock my hands again and then put his palms together and said Namaste.  I to did the same. I knew then, at moment, it was going to be fine. It would take time.  But it would be fine.
I need to go back to the place where I first lost my balance.

The event was amazing and I was so pleased that I had made the effort (and trust me, it was a huge effort) to go.  There were all ages there: families, young people, children, grand parents, me and dogs.  There was so many food stalls to choose from with many vegetarian options.  The smell of all the different foods cooking was mouthwatering, coupled with the always present smell in London of cannabis, and then I remembered that I had not eaten since yesterday, and even then I had not had much. I opted for the macaroni cheese. I just sat on the grass and ate it, soaking up the sunshine and the atmosphere.  I went to listen to some music and mooched around the stalls.  The place was alive with laughter and love.  Hiding behind my Ray Bans I could easily watch the lovely guys in their shorts, beards, shades and Panama hats. People were having picnics and just spending time together.  I will not lie.  I did feel alone a few times but I get on with it. It was no different in Stoke, but at least I am out and about now here.  Next year I will take a picnic and make a longer day of it.

Delicious Macaroni Cheese

My favourite music were the South London Salsa or the Sawwf Lundun Salsa.  They were amazing.  The guy I met who mixed drum and bass told me that a great deal of research has been done into it and it has been shown that music with a great deal of drum and bass makes you happy, it makes you smile and it makes you want to move (I think all the drugs he was taking may have helped in his case lol). And yes, it did make me smile and yes I did dance.

By 18:00 I had enough, I needed to be back at the flat.  So I come home.  Some of the sparkle is back and for that I am grateful. I have said before that if you go out, the magic happens.  I went out, I did not want too, but I did and sure the magic happened.  My Dad made it happen.

I forgot to share these photos yesterday.  I notice these gates at Guy's Hospital. Since Legs told me to look at the gates at the Globe, I keep looking at other gates.  These at Guy's are amazing.

The Shard built right next to Guy's

Sunday:  Beautiful blue sky, sunny day in London today.  Andy and I have had breakfast together and caught up with the past few days and I am now listening to Noel Gallagher on Desert Island Discs .... fascinating.  We have had the Sex Pistols - Pretty Vacant which takes me right back to my teenage years.  David Bowie, his favourite track is Heroes which is mine but he played his second choice, Let's Dance again my second favourite.  Just put on your red shoes and dance the blues ........ under the moonlight, the beautiful moonlight. We then had Pink Floyd - Nobody Home (no idea, but will look at it later).  He really comes across as a very humble bloke, proud of his roots and childhood.  Then The Smiths, Hand in Glove ..... I have now decided that Noel and I really should get it on.  I wonder what he would think of that?  I can imagine.  It was funny as he talked a great deal about his brother Liam and their relationship.  It made me think about my own brother and how, like Liam and Noel, we had the same parents, same upbringing yet we are completely different (even though we do look very similar) and lead completely different lives and have no contact with each other.  Funny how things turn out.  Back to Noel, his next choice was Voodoo Ray by a guy called Gerald OMG I have this on my iPod and was only listening to it last week - how crazy is that! It reminds me of the Girlie Glees on tour in Newquay - and I know some of you read this blog too. How crazy is this. Can you remember girls (for what it is worth Noel doesn't remember much of that time either lol) those times in Newquay?  How much fun did we have then. Crazy days.  

That it, his 6th choice is With or Without You - U2.  My favourite.  The words of this song have followed me throughout my life. I can remember listening to the Joshua Tree (and still do) thinking wow!  Those lyrics. I guess in my top ten of songs there would be Heroes, With or Without You and Noel has had both of them (ok he wanted Heroes).  Unfortunately, the lovely Noel has a wife (sigh), who he loves very much (sigh).  His next song was his first dance at his wedding which was Be My Baby ...... you just have to sing it don't you!  Then, of course, The Beatles ...... Ticket to Ride.  He has only read one novel bless him so he is taking On The Road by John Kerouac and obviously a guitar.  Oh Noel, I would say do you have a brother ................... but no, no, no thank you!

So time to go out and make things happen.  I decided on a couple of things I was going to do today.  Firstly, I took myself of to the Tate Modern.  We (as a family) went there years ago and really did not get it.  So I wanted to push myself to see that because I have changed, do I see things differently now.  Nope! Still don't get it.  I looked at one particular picture and asked myself how do they knew it is hang the right way up? OK some of it was OK and I like a couple of pieces but I have to be honest, it was very much like the Emperor's new clothes.  Was I the only one who could see it as it was or am the only one who doesn't?  It was a lovely afternoon and took my mind off previous days events.   I sat by the river just looking at it all playing out in front of me. Watching the British Airways pilots giving their passengers a tourist view of London as them come into land. It took me back to when I went to Sydney.  Do some of you remember?  I paid an extra £300 to fly with Qantas so I had a kangaroo on my plane.  I flew into Sydney and the pilot dipped the wings of the plane and I saw the opera house and bridge and cried and cried.  I hope those passengers on the BA flights yesterday enjoyed their view of St Paul's.

Tate Modern

I then got the tube up to Barons Court to meet up with Lily.  Wow what an experience that was. Now, many of you my friends will not get this and that is OK I can understand.  But some of you, and I know exactly who, will get this totally.  Lily was so pleased to see me and we hugged again and chatted.  The event I attended was Kirtan.  Kirtan is the yogic practice of heart-centered singing in Sanskrit.  Many of you know that I am a spiritual person but feel that over the past few weeks this has been put into touch as I move to the city, so it was good to get back to the place where I first lost my balance.  It was strange at first, I will not lie.  And at one point I thought I was singing om Gary Barlow instead of what it should have been. But, as the time moved on and the singing become more intense, I truly enjoyed the whole experience.  The evening was rounded up by enjoying a prasad - a sweet treat in this case a piece of delicious cake.

I spoke with Lily afterwards and like Daniel in Thailand, she is a kindred spirit.  She is 25 years old and we are intending to meet up to share Reiki all because I stopped and walked back when I was so upset at Bank Station.  Strange but very true.  I got home and Andy had made cocktails with the limited amount of alcohol we had left after the weekend a few weeks ago.  He had made sugar water lol and we had a Tom Collins - and very nice it was too.

So a very eventful few days and something that I really do not want to repeat in the near future even though I know that at some time, it will happen. But everything you learn from and I have learnt from this time.  I have learnt that some things, no matter how much you want them, you are not going to have and it is about self preservation.  The box is now closed.  Tonight I shall sleep well.  And I feel very loved in many ways. 

As always, with my love x

Monday, monday .... so good to me? (Monday, Monday - The Mammas and the Pappas)

So begins another week.  DBS website still down!  I really am being tested now.  The weather is wet, cloudy and yuk and it is Monday!  It got me thinking about how many songs there are with Monday in the title and what is it with our hang up with that day of the week.  I guess it is because it is the first day back for many to work, but not all, after the weekend.  But now we are living in a 24/7 working week it got me wondering if that will impact on our thoughts of a Monday morning .............. yep!  I am thinking too much.

Monday:  And I guess that is the root of the problem, I have too much time to think.  I have gone from a woman who had to maintain a house, run a home, school run, homework, dog walking, man looking aftering (you get what I am saying here as in two children to look after), cooking, ironing, gardening, working full time, studying for a degree ................. to just looking after myself. It got me thinking  (a typical Virgo trait).  We all have 24 hours in a day, no matter where we are in the world and I guess it is just about how we fill them.

I know when I EVENTUALLY start work, sigh, that will, initially consume a great deal of my time as I get to grips with new procedures and ways of working. But perhaps now I need some new hobbies/interests to fill up some of my time.  One of the things I have learnt since living in London is most people here have busy lives and busy jobs.  Five in the evening here is like two in the afternoon in Stoke.  Most people's evenings do not start until 8.00-8.30 in the evening.  When I start work I will have to adjust my day i.e. go to the gym at 7.00 in the evening and this will fill up some time.  But what else can I do?  I was looking at participating in some volunteering, however the organisation that I got roped into via Andy really was not one for me that I felt comfortable with.  I liked the aim of the charity; not the politics.  So if any of you lovely people have any ideas please let me know.  I guess it has got to be something for me.  The Meet Ups are not really working for me at the moment and you know what I am like, I don't need to adopt any causes!  So I shall throw it out there to you and to the Universe and see if you can give me any ideas.  

Time on my hands .............

I recently said to some one that I never give up on people and I never do.  They may not be in my life on a permanent tenancy but I will hear a song, smell a smell, see something or a thought may just pop in my head that takes me back to that time I spent with them.  This person I told said that they didn't doubt that and that I was a good real heart.  Today using my extensive MI5 skills, I tracked down someone who I knew in a different world and like Amy Winehouse, shares the same birthday as me.

They have now found themselves living in Europe and I shall call them Luz do Sol (Sunshine).  I haven't seen this person for almost two years and both their life and mine are now completely different from where the universe brought us together.  It was so lovely chatting with them on line today, hearing about how they ended up in Europe and how they are feeling and getting on with their life.  We were both amazed with each other's stories and both could not believe that life had sent us on completely different paths than we thought we would ever be on.  Luz do Sol said that myself and others had helped them get through some darkest times in their life and once again it takes me back to that book.  That you do not know what impact you have on a person at the time and that sometimes it never comes clear the part you have played in their life; I guess both good and not so good.  Luz do Sol actually quoted me by saying that it is all good and no one has died.  I contacted other friends who knew this person the same time as myself and they are so happy to have 'found' them too and I am sure will contact them in due course.

I then, as if he knew, had a message from a dear sweet soul who I shall call Spirit, because they are.  This person connected with me on my first trip to Thailand and we have drifted in and out of each other's lives since.  We always seem to know when we need to be reminded of who we are - and today they messaged me.  They sprinkle sparkle, love and light wherever they go; and they think I am their angle.  Unlike when I was at Home Start when some one called me their their angle!

At times we need to stop and just breathe and remember that we are all just actors playing out our role (yes I know too much Shakespeare like Shakespeare like) but are roles are complimented and enriched by those we share part of our road with and I am so pleased that I shared some time with both of these people this afternoon, albeit virtually, and that I now know that they are both safe and well.

Tuesday:  Woke up feeling yuk today.  I have a headache that I cannot shift and still have not been outside of the flat since Saturday night.  So I got the wheat bag and had a lazy morning in bed feeling sorry for myself.  But now up showered, hair washed and toasted (I am eating Andy's bread as I haven't been out to get my own, he wont mind).  I am booked for another Meet Up tonight.  I know, but I have to keep trying.  I remember Megan screaming at me once when things were so bad and she said, and I will always remember it 'The trouble with you is you see yourself as a victim' ...... I replied 'no I am not a victim, I am a survivor' and I guess that is what I am.  Someone very dear to me said to me before I left Stoke that they didn't think they could do what I have done, re shaped myself and my life and got on with it.  But what choice is there?  People are always evolving and restructuring themselves ..... I mean look at Madonna!  I am not saying I am Madge but every day is full of opportunities, I just need to go and find them.  

And that is very much what I did as the day took an unexpected turn but that is the way I roll these days.  I ended up meeting a guy at St Pancras Station (as you do) for coffee.  How London does that sound?  I shall call him, well actually he called himself when I told him I blogged Van Winkle!  Van Winkle is an artist. Not an anything else artist; but an artist.  He sketches, paints, draws, illustrates and creates animation and cartoons ..... how cool is that. That is his job and he has been drawing since he was a child. Very creative.  I explained to him that I cannot even draw the curtains properly and can't paint my nails but he said that this blog is creative as I am using words in a way to paint a picture.  I have to be honest, I did feel a bit smug when he said that as I don't see this blog as that but as me just ranting on.  The wonderful thing when you meet people is you learn so much from them and then take that knowledge with you.

Anyway, we had a lovely evening in Costa, who will not be making any profit out of our visit as we arrived at 7.00pm and had one coffee.  So much to talk about considering I know absolutely nothing, well not a lot, about art.  But you know me, Little Miss Curious I was asking/interrogating him about his work.  I mean can you imagine he has lived and worked in Australia, France, Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, Spain, Scotland and now London.  I think there was somewhere else but can't remember.  Ironically, he lived in Manly in Sydney which was my favourite place in Sydney and I even said that I could live there in my very first blog ..... how crazy is that.  We were chatting away then realised that the station was empty and it had gone very, very quiet, seriously.  It was 11.30pm!!!  We both could not believe where the time had gone.  Crazy!  So we both had a lovely evening; lots of talking and laughter.  Andy is going to love him as he draws those comic things he likes (I don't really understand it if I am honest, the comic thing) but it all sounds fascinating.  He said that he doesn't even see it as work but something he just loves doing.  How many of us can say that about our work?  Shit I have just realised where he lives ...... Swiss Cottage, you really couldn't make it up could you? It really will not go away! Sigh!

Swiss Cottage in North London where of course there is a Swiss Cottage - I guess you just have to laugh as you really could not make it all up!

Wednesday:  Early start this morning as Kevin the plumber was calling to look at the loo and taps in the bathroom.  I really cannot image how difficult it must be to actually work in this city.  He had to go and buy new taps and all I can say is I am pleased I am not footing the bill as it took him longer to go and get the stuff than to actually fit it.  However, having lived with a builder for too many years I know that most tradespeople have the necessities in their van already as in a new set of basic taps and cannot help thinking that good old Kevin has played a blinder and just charged another hour's labour for going to collect the taps he already had ............ still that is the joy of renting it ain't my problem.

This evening I went up to Old Street to meet Craig who I know from the Meet Up group in Stoke.  The Old Street/Hoxton/Shoreditch area of London is now trendy.  Years ago when I worked in London you never went anywhere near it.  It is hipster world. I swear even the women have beads there!  It was so lovely to see Craig and we went to a restaurant called Dishoom and it served us the most amazing and best Indian food I have ever tasted.  Both Craig and I thought the flavours were so intense and kind of layered, it is hard to describe. But there were no over powering strong flavours that you often get with Indian foodl  I can highly recommend it and will definitely return there.  Oh and the gin and tonics helped too. We both ignored our phone (and his watch) all night as it was bleeping and pinging.  We were chatting about how now, as a society, we are governed by these pieces of equipment.  They bing; we answer.  So we didn't, we ignored all our technology all night.  We caught the tube and Craig got of to get his connection and Bank.  It was so lovely to see him and to catch up on what he is up too.  Its wonderful that people, when they are in town, want to meet up with me and we both said that we had a great evening.  I toodled off home very full and very contented and slept very, very well.

 http://www.dishoom.com/

Thursday:  Waking up every morning in London still, after all these weeks, amazes me.  I am sitting here, in my bed, writing this and looking out of the window watching the city move along.  The city never stays still; it is always on the move.  That is what I like about city life.  It is ever changing, always moving.  Our flat is on a busy road and all night there are cars passing by, sirens from the police or ambulances going. But you get tuned in to it.  You sort of sleep around it but not necessary through it.  It is my new 'norm' now.  I have adjusted to the time shift.  When I met Craig last evening for dinner at 7.00pm he was amazed how busy it was.  I explained to him that 7.00pm in London is like 4.00pm everywhere else.  The city never sleeps.

Quiet, non-eventful day today, but that is fine.  It gives me time to restock and rebalance and that is always a good thing.  I have just checked the stats for this blog and wow hello the United States.  There are so many of you reading this and that is amazing - thank you.  Please feel free to leave me some comments my across the pond friends, on how you are finding my rantings oh and don't forget to click on the adds so I earn some pennies (or cents) too.  We really do all live in such a small world now, where I can bring a little bit of London to you all around the world.  It would be lovely to hear from you, so please drop me a line.

Just in case you have forgotten or don't know what I look like .... this is me!

Friday:  So an extremely difficult and emotional day for me today my friends.  The little box that I keep on my left shoulder is slowly opening up.  I guess it is like Pandora's box as in there is hope but there is also a great deal of pain and sorrow.  Today, I believe and I do not know for sure, is my darling daughter's Graduation Day.  This event will take place five miles up the road from where I live.  Obviously, as her mother, I do not have an invite but fortunately we live in a free country were, if I please, I can get on the tube and to up to where the University is.  I will not go in, that would not be fair.  But I am toiling with the idea of getting as near as I can so that I can say one day that I was near.  Perhaps find a coffee place and sit there, just to be near.  I guess I am scared of opening the box on my left shoulder as it is torture; but I feel that as I am so near I have the opportunity to do something.  I have not made up my mind yet.  I am rolling over the idea in my mind.  You know what it is like, one minute you think this then a second later you have changed your mind.  I thought late last night that the Universe had decided for me and gave me an alternative.  But in a cruel twist of fate; that has just confused me more today it took the option away.  But like Andy has just texted me, I will get through this and come out the other side stronger.  But I don't want to be strong; I just want to be a Mum.

So I went up to Mile End but a strange thing, well two strange things happened.  First I had to change tubes at Bank and I was walking along the platform and I saw this young woman with her little dog and I walked a few steps past her, then stopped and walked back. I asked her if I could make a fuss of her dog and she said sure; it was a little French Terrier. We started talking the woman and I, she was only young.  By now it was obvious to anyone who cared that I had been crying.  But, and not many of you are going to get this, I knew she was a connected soul.  We talked and I said that I was meant to see you today and she agreed and she gave me the most wonderful hug I have had since Steve went.  A complete stranger she hugged and hugged me and I tried really hard not to cry, but she just knew that I needed that energy.  We talked some more and she gave me her email/phone number (I have texted her) and then she just hugged me again.  I just wanted to stay there, I felt so safe.  All I wanted today was someone to take my hand or hold me and this complete stranger, Lily, did this.  The Universe did provide in a screwed way.

I got to the correct tube and started to walk to the University.  It is a good job the sun was out so I could wear my sun glasses.  I saw where the robing room was and found a wall away from it, that was covered by trees and sat there just watching the families coming onto the campus.  Then at 1.20 (the ceremony was to start at 1.30) I walked up towards the robing room.  I thought my heart was going to burst.  I asked someone where the Graduation Ceremony was due to take place and they gave me directions.  I found the hall.  I took some pictures of families enjoying their day.  I sat on the wall, listening to my music, just reminiscing and trying not to get upset.  I eventually asked the security guards on the door of the Graduation Hall if I was allowed to go into the foyer just to have a look and they said that was OK.  So, eventually, I managed to get about six foot away from the door to where the ceremony was taking place.   Not ideal but at least I was as near as I possibly could get.  I waited there until 2.30 and thought that I needed to be gone before they come out. The last thing I wanted to do was to cause a scene and ruin anyone's day; that was not why I was there.  Was I pleased that I went?  I really cannot answer that question.  If my other plans had worked out I would not have been in a position to go; but they took a sudden change.

I got the bus to the City and walked over London Bridge and went to the Chapel at Guy's Hospital, I guess just to be near my dear old Dad.  I guess I sat there for 45 minutes, light a candle then went to grab a coffee over the road.  I felt, and still feel terrible, but the coffee helped.  I had a slow walk back to the flat and decided to go and sit in the small park at the back of the flat.  It was whilst I was there the second strange thing of the day happened.  A guy, probably mid 40s who was slightly dishevelled walked past then stopped, looked back and said have a lovely evening young lady, smiled and walked away. Nothing else, just that.  Of course, that started the tears off again.  I went back to the flat, to my room and laid on the bed and eventually fell asleep.  I think just because I had cried so much my eyes were tired.

So how do I feel now? Alone, empty and sad I guess.  If this was a film, there would be a happy ending.  This is not a film, this is real life. Raw. Painful. Life.  How many times does a piece of me have to die to allow me to keep living.

As always, with my love x

My baby's name on the list of graduates

The ceremony was taking place just behind those doors