Scrumpet Scripts 2015: Monday, monday .... so good to me? (Monday, Monday

So begins another week. DBS website still down! I really am being tested now. The weather is wet, cloudy and yuk and it is Monday! It got me thinking about how many songs there are with Monday in the title and what is it with our hang up with that day of the week. I guess it is because it is the first day back for many to work, but not all, after the weekend. But now we are living in a 24/7 working week it got me wondering if that will impact on our thoughts of a Monday morning .............. yep! I am thinking too much.

Monday: And I guess that is the root of the problem, I have too much time to think. I have gone from a woman who had to maintain a house, run a home, school run, homework, dog walking, man looking aftering (you get what I am saying here as in two children to look after), cooking, ironing, gardening, working full time, studying for a degree ................. to just looking after myself. It got me thinking (a typical Virgo trait). We all have 24 hours in a day, no matter where we are in the world and I guess it is just about how we fill them.

I know when I EVENTUALLY start work, sigh, that will, initially consume a great deal of my time as I get to grips with new procedures and ways of working. But perhaps now I need some new hobbies/interests to fill up some of my time. One of the things I have learnt since living in London is most people here have busy lives and busy jobs. Five in the evening here is like two in the afternoon in Stoke. Most people's evenings do not start until 8.00-8.30 in the evening. When I start work I will have to adjust my day i.e. go to the gym at 7.00 in the evening and this will fill up some time. But what else can I do? I was looking at participating in some volunteering, however the organisation that I got roped into via Andy really was not one for me that I felt comfortable with. I liked the aim of the charity; not the politics. So if any of you lovely people have any ideas please let me know. I guess it has got to be something for me. The Meet Ups are not really working for me at the moment and you know what I am like, I don't need to adopt any causes! So I shall throw it out there to you and to the Universe and see if you can give me any ideas.

Time on my hands .............

I recently said to some one that I never give up on people and I never do. They may not be in my life on a permanent tenancy but I will hear a song, smell a smell, see something or a thought may just pop in my head that takes me back to that time I spent with them. This person I told said that they didn't doubt that and that I was a good real heart. Today using my extensive MI5 skills, I tracked down someone who I knew in a different world and like Amy Winehouse, shares the same birthday as me.

They have now found themselves living in Europe and I shall call them Luz do Sol (Sunshine). I haven't seen this person for almost two years and both their life and mine are now completely different from where the universe brought us together. It was so lovely chatting with them on line today, hearing about how they ended up in Europe and how they are feeling and getting on with their life. We were both amazed with each other's stories and both could not believe that life had sent us on completely different paths than we thought we would ever be on. Luz do Sol said that myself and others had helped them get through some darkest times in their life and once again it takes me back to that book. That you do not know what impact you have on a person at the time and that sometimes it never comes clear the part you have played in their life; I guess both good and not so good. Luz do Sol actually quoted me by saying that it is all good and no one has died. I contacted other friends who knew this person the same time as myself and they are so happy to have 'found' them too and I am sure will contact them in due course.

I then, as if he knew, had a message from a dear sweet soul who I shall call Spirit, because they are. This person connected with me on my first trip to Thailand and we have drifted in and out of each other's lives since. We always seem to know when we need to be reminded of who we are - and today they messaged me. They sprinkle sparkle, love and light wherever they go; and they think I am their angle. Unlike when I was at Home Start when some one called me their their angle!

At times we need to stop and just breathe and remember that we are all just actors playing out our role (yes I know too much Shakespeare like Shakespeare like) but are roles are complimented and enriched by those we share part of our road with and I am so pleased that I shared some time with both of these people this afternoon, albeit virtually, and that I now know that they are both safe and well.

Tuesday: Woke up feeling yuk today. I have a headache that I cannot shift and still have not been outside of the flat since Saturday night. So I got the wheat bag and had a lazy morning in bed feeling sorry for myself. But now up showered, hair washed and toasted (I am eating Andy's bread as I haven't been out to get my own, he wont mind). I am booked for another Meet Up tonight. I know, but I have to keep trying. I remember Megan screaming at me once when things were so bad and she said, and I will always remember it 'The trouble with you is you see yourself as a victim' ...... I replied 'no I am not a victim, I am a survivor' and I guess that is what I am. Someone very dear to me said to me before I left Stoke that they didn't think they could do what I have done, re shaped myself and my life and got on with it. But what choice is there? People are always evolving and restructuring themselves ..... I mean look at Madonna! I am not saying I am Madge but every day is full of opportunities, I just need to go and find them.

And that is very much what I did as the day took an unexpected turn but that is the way I roll these days. I ended up meeting a guy at St Pancras Station (as you do) for coffee. How London does that sound? I shall call him, well actually he called himself when I told him I blogged Van Winkle! Van Winkle is an artist. Not an anything else artist; but an artist. He sketches, paints, draws, illustrates and creates animation and cartoons ..... how cool is that. That is his job and he has been drawing since he was a child. Very creative. I explained to him that I cannot even draw the curtains properly and can't paint my nails but he said that this blog is creative as I am using words in a way to paint a picture. I have to be honest, I did feel a bit smug when he said that as I don't see this blog as that but as me just ranting on. The wonderful thing when you meet people is you learn so much from them and then take that knowledge with you.

Anyway, we had a lovely evening in Costa, who will not be making any profit out of our visit as we arrived at 7.00pm and had one coffee. So much to talk about considering I know absolutely nothing, well not a lot, about art. But you know me, Little Miss Curious I was asking/interrogating him about his work. I mean can you imagine he has lived and worked in Australia, France, Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, Spain, Scotland and now London. I think there was somewhere else but can't remember. Ironically, he lived in Manly in Sydney which was my favourite place in Sydney and I even said that I could live there in my very first blog ..... how crazy is that. We were chatting away then realised that the station was empty and it had gone very, very quiet, seriously. It was 11.30pm!!! We both could not believe where the time had gone. Crazy! So we both had a lovely evening; lots of talking and laughter. Andy is going to love him as he draws those comic things he likes (I don't really understand it if I am honest, the comic thing) but it all sounds fascinating. He said that he doesn't even see it as work but something he just loves doing. How many of us can say that about our work? Shit I have just realised where he lives ...... Swiss Cottage, you really couldn't make it up could you? It really will not go away! Sigh!

Swiss Cottage in North London where of course there is a Swiss Cottage - I guess you just have to laugh as you really could not make it all up!

Wednesday: Early start this morning as Kevin the plumber was calling to look at the loo and taps in the bathroom. I really cannot image how difficult it must be to actually work in this city. He had to go and buy new taps and all I can say is I am pleased I am not footing the bill as it took him longer to go and get the stuff than to actually fit it. However, having lived with a builder for too many years I know that most tradespeople have the necessities in their van already as in a new set of basic taps and cannot help thinking that good old Kevin has played a blinder and just charged another hour's labour for going to collect the taps he already had ............ still that is the joy of renting it ain't my problem.

This evening I went up to Old Street to meet Craig who I know from the Meet Up group in Stoke. The Old Street/Hoxton/Shoreditch area of London is now trendy. Years ago when I worked in London you never went anywhere near it. It is hipster world. I swear even the women have beads there! It was so lovely to see Craig and we went to a restaurant called Dishoom and it served us the most amazing and best Indian food I have ever tasted. Both Craig and I thought the flavours were so intense and kind of layered, it is hard to describe. But there were no over powering strong flavours that you often get with Indian foodl I can highly recommend it and will definitely return there. Oh and the gin and tonics helped too. We both ignored our phone (and his watch) all night as it was bleeping and pinging. We were chatting about how now, as a society, we are governed by these pieces of equipment. They bing; we answer. So we didn't, we ignored all our technology all night. We caught the tube and Craig got of to get his connection and Bank. It was so lovely to see him and to catch up on what he is up too. Its wonderful that people, when they are in town, want to meet up with me and we both said that we had a great evening. I toodled off home very full and very contented and slept very, very well.

http://www.dishoom.com/

Thursday: Waking up every morning in London still, after all these weeks, amazes me. I am sitting here, in my bed, writing this and looking out of the window watching the city move along. The city never stays still; it is always on the move. That is what I like about city life. It is ever changing, always moving. Our flat is on a busy road and all night there are cars passing by, sirens from the police or ambulances going. But you get tuned in to it. You sort of sleep around it but not necessary through it. It is my new 'norm' now. I have adjusted to the time shift. When I met Craig last evening for dinner at 7.00pm he was amazed how busy it was. I explained to him that 7.00pm in London is like 4.00pm everywhere else. The city never sleeps.

Quiet, non-eventful day today, but that is fine. It gives me time to restock and rebalance and that is always a good thing. I have just checked the stats for this blog and wow hello the United States. There are so many of you reading this and that is amazing - thank you. Please feel free to leave me some comments my across the pond friends, on how you are finding my rantings oh and don't forget to click on the adds so I earn some pennies (or cents) too. We really do all live in such a small world now, where I can bring a little bit of London to you all around the world. It would be lovely to hear from you, so please drop me a line.

Just in case you have forgotten or don't know what I look like .... this is me!

Friday: So an extremely difficult and emotional day for me today my friends. The little box that I keep on my left shoulder is slowly opening up. I guess it is like Pandora's box as in there is hope but there is also a great deal of pain and sorrow. Today, I believe and I do not know for sure, is my darling daughter's Graduation Day. This event will take place five miles up the road from where I live. Obviously, as her mother, I do not have an invite but fortunately we live in a free country were, if I please, I can get on the tube and to up to where the University is. I will not go in, that would not be fair. But I am toiling with the idea of getting as near as I can so that I can say one day that I was near. Perhaps find a coffee place and sit there, just to be near. I guess I am scared of opening the box on my left shoulder as it is torture; but I feel that as I am so near I have the opportunity to do something. I have not made up my mind yet. I am rolling over the idea in my mind. You know what it is like, one minute you think this then a second later you have changed your mind. I thought late last night that the Universe had decided for me and gave me an alternative. But in a cruel twist of fate; that has just confused me more today it took the option away. But like Andy has just texted me, I will get through this and come out the other side stronger. But I don't want to be strong; I just want to be a Mum.

So I went up to Mile End but a strange thing, well two strange things happened. First I had to change tubes at Bank and I was walking along the platform and I saw this young woman with her little dog and I walked a few steps past her, then stopped and walked back. I asked her if I could make a fuss of her dog and she said sure; it was a little French Terrier. We started talking the woman and I, she was only young. By now it was obvious to anyone who cared that I had been crying. But, and not many of you are going to get this, I knew she was a connected soul. We talked and I said that I was meant to see you today and she agreed and she gave me the most wonderful hug I have had since Steve went. A complete stranger she hugged and hugged me and I tried really hard not to cry, but she just knew that I needed that energy. We talked some more and she gave me her email/phone number (I have texted her) and then she just hugged me again. I just wanted to stay there, I felt so safe. All I wanted today was someone to take my hand or hold me and this complete stranger, Lily, did this. The Universe did provide in a screwed way.

I got to the correct tube and started to walk to the University. It is a good job the sun was out so I could wear my sun glasses. I saw where the robing room was and found a wall away from it, that was covered by trees and sat there just watching the families coming onto the campus. Then at 1.20 (the ceremony was to start at 1.30) I walked up towards the robing room. I thought my heart was going to burst. I asked someone where the Graduation Ceremony was due to take place and they gave me directions. I found the hall. I took some pictures of families enjoying their day. I sat on the wall, listening to my music, just reminiscing and trying not to get upset. I eventually asked the security guards on the door of the Graduation Hall if I was allowed to go into the foyer just to have a look and they said that was OK. So, eventually, I managed to get about six foot away from the door to where the ceremony was taking place. Not ideal but at least I was as near as I possibly could get. I waited there until 2.30 and thought that I needed to be gone before they come out. The last thing I wanted to do was to cause a scene and ruin anyone's day; that was not why I was there. Was I pleased that I went? I really cannot answer that question. If my other plans had worked out I would not have been in a position to go; but they took a sudden change.

I got the bus to the City and walked over London Bridge and went to the Chapel at Guy's Hospital, I guess just to be near my dear old Dad. I guess I sat there for 45 minutes, light a candle then went to grab a coffee over the road. I felt, and still feel terrible, but the coffee helped. I had a slow walk back to the flat and decided to go and sit in the small park at the back of the flat. It was whilst I was there the second strange thing of the day happened. A guy, probably mid 40s who was slightly dishevelled walked past then stopped, looked back and said have a lovely evening young lady, smiled and walked away. Nothing else, just that. Of course, that started the tears off again. I went back to the flat, to my room and laid on the bed and eventually fell asleep. I think just because I had cried so much my eyes were tired.

So how do I feel now? Alone, empty and sad I guess. If this was a film, there would be a happy ending. This is not a film, this is real life. Raw. Painful. Life. How many times does a piece of me have to die to allow me to keep living.

As always, with my love x