Go Straight To The Place Where You First Lost Your Balance (Angel - Elbow)

Saturday:  The title of this blog comes from one of my beloved Elbow songs. Go straight to the place where you first lost your balance, and find your feet with the people that you love.  That is what I knew I had to do.

I guess, just because it is another day, it doesn't mean that yesterday has been and gone.  It is now 12 Noon and I am still in bed, curtains closed.  I have no idea what is going on outside of that window and to be honest, at the moment I have little interest.  The problem with opening a box is that you cannot just close it and everything is fine.  I have started the process of doing this.  First in is hope.  I have to have hope.  There is hope when Megan still receives my What's App messages and I have not been blocked.   That is hope.  Over the weekend I will gradually start to put all the memories, pain, frustration and tears of yesterday back in the box on my left shoulder.  It will have to stay there for some time now as I cannot feel how this has left me feeling.  The one thing I have is life.  I need to continue to rebuild my life and if it means that the box remains shut; then so be it!

So I guess the first step is actually to drag my sorry carcass out of bed ........14:00 I leave the flat.  It was a beautiful day. I went to Elephant and Castle train station and got a train to Herne Hill and attended the Lambeth County Show.  I know many of you think that London is expensive. The entry to this event was totally free, however for the princely sum of £1 you could buy a map of the event and hence make a donation.  I paid £1. It was the best pound I could have spent today.

As I walked into the huge park I found myself walking over to my left where there were some tents.  Then to my disbelief or utter joy I saw a stall.  This stall was for the Gurkha Charitable Trust and there was one lone Gurkha manning it.  This may not mean a thing to you; I mean, why should it.  I approached the guy, who looked in his late 70s and he smiled and I said 'Hello, may I shake your hand' and he beamed, took my hand then put his other hand over it and squeezed them.  While he was doing this I said to him 'My Father was serving with the Gurkha's during his time in Malaya in the 1950s and he always talked so highly of you and was pleased you were on  the same side'.  He still held my hand and said that he had served in Malaya and his eyes drifted off as he remembered.  I explained to him that my Father would never speak to us about it and the guy said how it had been a tough campaign.  We stood talking for some time.  I obviously made a donation, not as much as I wished I could have, then asked if I could take his picture. He said he would pull his tummy in and I was to let him know when he could breathe.  He shock my hands again and then put his palms together and said Namaste.  I to did the same. I knew then, at moment, it was going to be fine. It would take time.  But it would be fine.
I need to go back to the place where I first lost my balance.

The event was amazing and I was so pleased that I had made the effort (and trust me, it was a huge effort) to go.  There were all ages there: families, young people, children, grand parents, me and dogs.  There was so many food stalls to choose from with many vegetarian options.  The smell of all the different foods cooking was mouthwatering, coupled with the always present smell in London of cannabis, and then I remembered that I had not eaten since yesterday, and even then I had not had much. I opted for the macaroni cheese. I just sat on the grass and ate it, soaking up the sunshine and the atmosphere.  I went to listen to some music and mooched around the stalls.  The place was alive with laughter and love.  Hiding behind my Ray Bans I could easily watch the lovely guys in their shorts, beards, shades and Panama hats. People were having picnics and just spending time together.  I will not lie.  I did feel alone a few times but I get on with it. It was no different in Stoke, but at least I am out and about now here.  Next year I will take a picnic and make a longer day of it.

Delicious Macaroni Cheese

My favourite music were the South London Salsa or the Sawwf Lundun Salsa.  They were amazing.  The guy I met who mixed drum and bass told me that a great deal of research has been done into it and it has been shown that music with a great deal of drum and bass makes you happy, it makes you smile and it makes you want to move (I think all the drugs he was taking may have helped in his case lol). And yes, it did make me smile and yes I did dance.

By 18:00 I had enough, I needed to be back at the flat.  So I come home.  Some of the sparkle is back and for that I am grateful. I have said before that if you go out, the magic happens.  I went out, I did not want too, but I did and sure the magic happened.  My Dad made it happen.

I forgot to share these photos yesterday.  I notice these gates at Guy's Hospital. Since Legs told me to look at the gates at the Globe, I keep looking at other gates.  These at Guy's are amazing.

The Shard built right next to Guy's

Sunday:  Beautiful blue sky, sunny day in London today.  Andy and I have had breakfast together and caught up with the past few days and I am now listening to Noel Gallagher on Desert Island Discs .... fascinating.  We have had the Sex Pistols - Pretty Vacant which takes me right back to my teenage years.  David Bowie, his favourite track is Heroes which is mine but he played his second choice, Let's Dance again my second favourite.  Just put on your red shoes and dance the blues ........ under the moonlight, the beautiful moonlight. We then had Pink Floyd - Nobody Home (no idea, but will look at it later).  He really comes across as a very humble bloke, proud of his roots and childhood.  Then The Smiths, Hand in Glove ..... I have now decided that Noel and I really should get it on.  I wonder what he would think of that?  I can imagine.  It was funny as he talked a great deal about his brother Liam and their relationship.  It made me think about my own brother and how, like Liam and Noel, we had the same parents, same upbringing yet we are completely different (even though we do look very similar) and lead completely different lives and have no contact with each other.  Funny how things turn out.  Back to Noel, his next choice was Voodoo Ray by a guy called Gerald OMG I have this on my iPod and was only listening to it last week - how crazy is that! It reminds me of the Girlie Glees on tour in Newquay - and I know some of you read this blog too. How crazy is this. Can you remember girls (for what it is worth Noel doesn't remember much of that time either lol) those times in Newquay?  How much fun did we have then. Crazy days.  

That it, his 6th choice is With or Without You - U2.  My favourite.  The words of this song have followed me throughout my life. I can remember listening to the Joshua Tree (and still do) thinking wow!  Those lyrics. I guess in my top ten of songs there would be Heroes, With or Without You and Noel has had both of them (ok he wanted Heroes).  Unfortunately, the lovely Noel has a wife (sigh), who he loves very much (sigh).  His next song was his first dance at his wedding which was Be My Baby ...... you just have to sing it don't you!  Then, of course, The Beatles ...... Ticket to Ride.  He has only read one novel bless him so he is taking On The Road by John Kerouac and obviously a guitar.  Oh Noel, I would say do you have a brother ................... but no, no, no thank you!

So time to go out and make things happen.  I decided on a couple of things I was going to do today.  Firstly, I took myself of to the Tate Modern.  We (as a family) went there years ago and really did not get it.  So I wanted to push myself to see that because I have changed, do I see things differently now.  Nope! Still don't get it.  I looked at one particular picture and asked myself how do they knew it is hang the right way up? OK some of it was OK and I like a couple of pieces but I have to be honest, it was very much like the Emperor's new clothes.  Was I the only one who could see it as it was or am the only one who doesn't?  It was a lovely afternoon and took my mind off previous days events.   I sat by the river just looking at it all playing out in front of me. Watching the British Airways pilots giving their passengers a tourist view of London as them come into land. It took me back to when I went to Sydney.  Do some of you remember?  I paid an extra £300 to fly with Qantas so I had a kangaroo on my plane.  I flew into Sydney and the pilot dipped the wings of the plane and I saw the opera house and bridge and cried and cried.  I hope those passengers on the BA flights yesterday enjoyed their view of St Paul's.

Tate Modern

I then got the tube up to Barons Court to meet up with Lily.  Wow what an experience that was. Now, many of you my friends will not get this and that is OK I can understand.  But some of you, and I know exactly who, will get this totally.  Lily was so pleased to see me and we hugged again and chatted.  The event I attended was Kirtan.  Kirtan is the yogic practice of heart-centered singing in Sanskrit.  Many of you know that I am a spiritual person but feel that over the past few weeks this has been put into touch as I move to the city, so it was good to get back to the place where I first lost my balance.  It was strange at first, I will not lie.  And at one point I thought I was singing om Gary Barlow instead of what it should have been. But, as the time moved on and the singing become more intense, I truly enjoyed the whole experience.  The evening was rounded up by enjoying a prasad - a sweet treat in this case a piece of delicious cake.

I spoke with Lily afterwards and like Daniel in Thailand, she is a kindred spirit.  She is 25 years old and we are intending to meet up to share Reiki all because I stopped and walked back when I was so upset at Bank Station.  Strange but very true.  I got home and Andy had made cocktails with the limited amount of alcohol we had left after the weekend a few weeks ago.  He had made sugar water lol and we had a Tom Collins - and very nice it was too.

So a very eventful few days and something that I really do not want to repeat in the near future even though I know that at some time, it will happen. But everything you learn from and I have learnt from this time.  I have learnt that some things, no matter how much you want them, you are not going to have and it is about self preservation.  The box is now closed.  Tonight I shall sleep well.  And I feel very loved in many ways. 

As always, with my love x