'And if it's so that we only pass this way but once; what a perfect waste of time'.

And so begins yet another week.  Yes, yes, yes .... still no DBS!  I will be selling a kidney before long!  #Justgivingkarenafivertoeatthisweek!

Monday: Nothing exciting happened really. I have recently got back in contact with people I attended Primary School with!  Can you believe that?  It is because I have gone back to my unusual maiden name.  I was chatting to one recently and she said 'I remember you being funny at school'.  This did make me chuckle.  I guess, even after all these years, nothing really changes. I went to Andy's office after work and helped the LGBT group with something, but can't mention it yet.  We were both tired tonight and went off to our rooms before 10.00pm.  Then at 3.30 (well probably that 3.33 thing again I had a few years back) I was awake, wide awake.  I lay there until just before 5.00 and thought stuff it.

TUESDAY:  So I was in the gym for 5.30!  One of the good things about living in London is that it never sleeps; the city is always moving.  By the time I arrived at the gym there were probably 25 people there (it is a 24 hour gym).  So I worked bloody hard, taking my frustration out on the equipment.  I got back to the flat as Andy was leaving for work and it transpires that he too, has had a terrible nights sleep.

I decided that I needed to get some bits and bobs and the only place was Covent Garden so I would walk there and back.  On my way I passed a Church at Waterloo that appears to support the homeless.  They were cooking Thai food.  A really sweet guy, who I suspect has had challenges in his very short life, cooked my Pad Thai with tofu - I mean!  It was absolutely delicious.  I sat there in the sunshine; as much as I love Bangkok I don't need to be there now as I have every thing I need here.  As I left, I thanked him and said it was delicious.  He just beamed bless him.

Pad Thai with tofu

WEDNESDAY: I have no sparkle today.  London is full of too many tourists and building sites.  I watched Bridget Jones again this evening and I guess even she was in her 30's and look at me; it just made me feel worse. Even the aeroplanes that fly over the flat every 30 seconds cannot bring a smile to my face this evening. I normally look up at them in wonder, dreaming about where they have come from, who was on them, why were they coming to London.  I guess it is the wonderment of travel, the excitement and adventures it brings.  But not today.  The jolly drunk, just, on the night bus never got a smile from me.  I just turned up the volume on my iPod so I could not hear him.   This time will pass. 

Third 'date' with legs kinda happened, sort of, eventually; but there will be no more.   I think that people come into your life for various reasons - they need to learn from you or we need them to show us there is something that is missing in our lives.  They can stay with us for years, forever; or it can just be a fleeting visit and then they are gone.  There is a line in a beautiful Elbow song - Sad Captains, that says 'and if it's so that we only pass this way but once; what a perfect waste of time'.  It's been a perfect waste of time.  (I have had to smile, I have just watched the video and there is a great deal of standing on tip toes lol).

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lAVeeuwRiI

But everyone we meet, regardless, leaves an impression with us - either good, bad or indifferent.  Sometimes, as individuals, we have to make choices - I guess it is self-preservation, but it always comes with a price. It is demonstrated here by Andrew Lincoln in Love Actually.  You can see and feel his pain, anguish, frustration why he decides what to do. Follow his head or his heart.

https://youtu.be/Ou-7lYjK8ro

I guess, like Andy said, we are all damaged to a lesser or greater extent - why should I expect to be any different.

“Oh God, what's wrong with me? Why does nothing ever work out?” 

― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones's Diary

THURSDAY:  Finally dragged myself out of bed, I really do need to be working.  As much as we moan about it, it gives us structure.  No structure in my life at the moment and I am a creature (like many of us) of habit ...... even though I like to be totally reckless at time.  Just checked the DBS again - no change (sigh).  So I will sit and read my book and wait.  Dragged myself out of the flat eventually.  I read recently a saying ..... if you go outside, magic happens.  No magic, no sparkle but the sun was shining.  I sat in the park at Russell Square watching people come and go, listening to my beloved music. I then went to the Welcome Foundation at Euston and viewed an exhibition on Sexology.  If, and it is a big if, I ever get the chance to study for my Master's degree it would be in sexuality and gender.   I had to smile.  They wanted people, if they felt comfortable, to complete a questionnaire about sex.  I really was not in the mood, but I sat there with a huge group of 17 year old males and females, filling in my questionnaire.  A couple of the questions did make me smile.  All in the name of research I guess.  Kinsey would be applauding me.

Indeed, at least I am in London but I have just looked at this picture again and there is a bloody mountain in it .............. probably Switzerland lol

I popped over to Euston to get the tube home but actually went on the concourse and looked at the train to Manchester, that stops at Stoke - just to remind me of how far I have come, regardless of little blimps.  Ironically, it had been cancelled.  Andy was back when I got home and we sat and once again, my dear friend, found the positive in everything.  Where would I be without him.  He is one of those people who strolled into my life when I needed to laugh (cross reference this with Friday's post).  He too, was not in a particularly good place and the pair of us have just travelled together since.  Most people think a soul mate has to be someone you are in a relationship with.  I do not subscribe to this point of view - I guess Andy is my soul mate (he will hate reading this, if he ever does).  We are both there for each other - regardless.

So tomorrow - new dawn, new day .............................

Friday:  So, I am not even out of bed yet and there, on the TV, never seen it before is an advert for a weeks holiday, by rail to Switzerland! Then I hear the sad news that Patrick Magee has died, very sad. Then they mention his son and his name!  OK, OK I get it! So things come in three .................... New dawn, new day ..... grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  Oh and here it is on the radio, music of course, the third thing. They are playing the Staple Sisters - Respect Yourself!  That will do, I'll take that thank you.


So here I am, sitting in bed writing this and I was just thinking how we, as humans continue to recreate patterns.  For example, people who leave relationships because they are not happy, but then jump straight into another long term relationship (mentioning no names).   It is like even though we want to change we still revert back to our same old ways. I guess over the past four years I haven't really done that.  I have moved three times, travelled extensively on my own, met some amazing people who have taught me so much.  I remember I read a book once called The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom.  It is about a guy arriving in heaven thinking that he hasn't achieved anything mind blowing in life, but in heaven five people explained to him his life. Some he knew, others were strangers.  Five people revisit their connections to him on earth, and looking at the mysteries of his 'meaningless' uneventful life but answering the question of why he was there.

We all swan through life, smiling at strangers, meeting people for a short time .... I am thinking of Daniel in Bangkok now; yet these people can play such a crucial part in your life, even though they are just passing through.

So in London I am making new patterns, new experiences.  Yet still at times 
within that framework there are still some familiar patterns but, at least I recognise them more now and are challenging them.  I am surviving every day with the most excruciating pain, that of losing a child.  Nothing else matters - that's my bench mark.  So all has to be good.

Buddha states that we have to continue to repeat the same lessons over and over and until we learn, then we move on.  So today, I am going to break the cycle of doom and treat myself to some fun .... because I can and I need to let off some steam. I am going to be reckless, selfish and indulgent.  I am going to put my needs first - I need my sparkle back. I need to be smiling at strangers again and walking around like a crazy, spirited fool.  Because tomorrow is a big day....................

Tomorrow I am so proud to be taking part in the parade for London Pride - me, part of London Pride, walking in the parade, so I need my sparkle ..... how cool is that!

Finally, I was going to apologise for this week's blog being somewhat downbeat, but I am not.  It is how it is guys.  The whole point of this blog is not necessarily for you to read but for me to keep a journal of events, so just in case one day, someone needs to fill in all the gaps.

Be happy and keep looking up.  There is so much going on up there if you just lift your head up.

As always, with my love x