So begins yet another week. And yes I should check my DBS first thing. And no I didn't. I had arranged to see Bart and I did not want the shadow of the DBS to impact on my day. And let's face it. What can I do about it? Nothing! So I thought to myself not today DBS, not today. Well I sort of went back on that and checked it later in the day and guess what?????? Nope, nothing! It really is diabolical that this is allowed to happen. I tried not let it make a mark on my day, but it did. But by then it was 9.00pm so I just went to bed. There really is no point ................
Monday: Quiet start to the day, usual stuff, washing and tidying up. Met up with Bart and we had a great day. I just love meeting people from different parts of the world. You can learn so much from them. I think travelling makes you like this, it opens your mind and makes you see the world as somewhere completely different and the people who live in it. And accents too are so cool. The same word said completely different. This is one of the reasons why I wanted to come to London to meet interesting, like minded, spirited people and I have not been disappointed. We had a good day and intend meeting up again, probably over the weekend as unfortunately work (for some) gets in the way of having a good time.
So quiet evening catching up on my blogs as I have got behind due to the fact that I have been having a great time.
Tuesday: Well wishing to torture myself further as if the DBS is not enough, I decided today to ring TFL (Transport for London) and try to re-register my Oyster Card (this is the card that you top up and use on the tube, buses etc) in my new name and new address. The staff were really helpful, but what a nightmare it turned out to be. I entered every name I have had, every address, every email in every way possible and still nothing. Really! I guess I really should not be surprised because hey this is me after all. In the end it was decided that as I only have a Visitor's Oyster Card and are now a fully paid up member of the London community I was better off exchanging said Tourist card for a 'real' card. Sigh. You just know that when I go to the tube station it is not going to be as easy as that. And guess what? It wasn't. I have to buy a card for £5 then register that. So there really is no point at them moment as I have £27.00 on said Oyster Card.
I also have a cheque to pay into my bank account that is in my old name whilst account is now in new name. I know. You just know where that one is going as well. But update it was not a problem and it went surprisingly well. It just makes me think that we are, as individuals, getting bound up more and more in paperwork, identity and labels. In the Netherlands you are born and given a name, that is your name for life. Sure you can call yourself anything you want, but for legal documentation and school, taxes, driving licence, passports etc you are always that name you were given at birth. Now surely in the age of ID fraud this would be a much better way to go.
Looking back over this there is a theme here ........ our names. What we decide to call ourselves and I guess more importantly why. What are we hiding? What are we wishing? Our name says so much about us. I have never liked my name. Karen. A typical 60's female name. I have always said that it sounds as if it should be pronounced like with an American twang! Trust me, when I hear my name said with that accent I detest it even more. I guess I was right all these years.
The plumber come back today to sort out the problem with the toilet. He has done it but to be honest I am not that impressed. If this was my house I would not be happy with it but this is not my house and that is when it hurts. This has made me look back at what material things I have had and although I know that is not everything it makes me feel low that this is what I am left with, make do's. It is OK, I will process it and ground myself and remind myself that does it really matter? But every now and then I am reminded that whilst I have gained so much; I have also lost or let go of so much. It is only a toilet, it serves it's purpose so why am I getting so upset about it? Oh I get so angry with myself when I feel like this. So I am going to take myself out when the plumber has gone. I will go to the library and get some bits and bobs then this afternoon I will take myself off to the South Bank which as you all probably know by now, is one of my favourite places in London. It is going to be busy but hopefully it will lift my mood.
The South Bank did, temporarily lift my mood. But I swear there is still only Swiss Air flying out of Heathrow (update and the same again twice on Wednesday)! However, the weather soon changed to reflect my mood and once again, unfortunately, my past come back to haunt me. I left Stoke because of the ghosts on every corner; unfortunately I was not able to leave my scars behind as well. Sat by the river reading my book and watching people come and go before going back to the flat. Just a quiet non-eventual night with me trying to moisturise over the emotional, and at times still raw, scars I still carry four years later. I guess they are like real scars but to the outside world you cannot see them. Sure they may fade but will never really go and I will, unfortunately, carry them with me forever.
Wednesday:
Whilst lying in bed trying to grab an hours kip the film Shirley Valentine sprung into my mind. I love that film. I remember me and my Meg watching this and I gave her a good piece of 'man' advice lol. I hope she still remembers it.
Shirley Valentine:
Oh!
[to
audience]
Shirley
Valentine: He kissed me stretch marks!
[to
Costas]
Shirley
Valentine: You kissed my stretch marks!
Costas Caldes:
Don't, don't be too stupid to try to hide these lines. They, they are lovely,
because they are part of you, and you are lovely, so don't, don't hide, be
proud. Sure. These marks show that, that you are alive, that you survive. Don't
try to hide these lines. They are the marks of life.
Shirley
Valentine: [to audience] Aren't men full of shit?
Yep,
come on girls we have all been there! You know the saying if something is too good to be true, then it is! Lol. Good old Shirley Valentine. Men are full of shit they tell you what they think you want to hear or is Carrie right?
“When a relationship dies do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past.”
~Carrie
Thursday: DBS deadline day. No DBS. I have asked for it to be fast tracked. I am not spending any more time on it! Hit desk bell and move on ..........
I ended up having about four hours sleep last night, so slightly better. That was after half a bottle of wine and a very stiff gin and tonic. I knew today was going to be difficult .... A level results day. For those of you who do not know, three years ago my dear daughter received her A level results. She and others would not tell me her results or what she was going to go on to University to study. Ironically, because of my wonderful online research skills (which I know I keep saying it I should be employed by MI5, MI6 and now the CIA), I found out only last week, some three years later, her A level results. Needless to say I am extremely proud of her and I know where she gets her good looks and brains from!
So the weather today summed my mood up. Grey and stormy. I learnt a great deal about myself today, and some of it I did not like. Well in fact, most of it I did not like. As many of you know by now, I do not believe in coincidences as too many 'spooky' things have happened to me. I am not psychic far from it, but I do listen to my gut feeling and if it does not feel quite right it normally isn't. I guess I just notice things, little things that can have many meanings. Also, like the bird lol I have been shite upon too may times to mention. Once again this week that has been proven. Isn't if funny that the said gut feeling is always a negative one and very rarely anything positive. Or I guess we could argue, and will not like to think this, that if it is a positive gut feeling we, as individuals, are not worthy to accept it.
I ended up having about four hours sleep last night, so slightly better. That was after half a bottle of wine and a very stiff gin and tonic. I knew today was going to be difficult .... A level results day. For those of you who do not know, three years ago my dear daughter received her A level results. She and others would not tell me her results or what she was going to go on to University to study. Ironically, because of my wonderful online research skills (which I know I keep saying it I should be employed by MI5, MI6 and now the CIA), I found out only last week, some three years later, her A level results. Needless to say I am extremely proud of her and I know where she gets her good looks and brains from!
So the weather today summed my mood up. Grey and stormy. I learnt a great deal about myself today, and some of it I did not like. Well in fact, most of it I did not like. As many of you know by now, I do not believe in coincidences as too many 'spooky' things have happened to me. I am not psychic far from it, but I do listen to my gut feeling and if it does not feel quite right it normally isn't. I guess I just notice things, little things that can have many meanings. Also, like the bird lol I have been shite upon too may times to mention. Once again this week that has been proven. Isn't if funny that the said gut feeling is always a negative one and very rarely anything positive. Or I guess we could argue, and will not like to think this, that if it is a positive gut feeling we, as individuals, are not worthy to accept it.
I guess the above post sums it up a treat but I guess it is how you react to it that matters more. I reacted totally out of character and if I were to tell you (which I am not) you would be disgusted with me. But I guess I am upset and angry with myself. I always used to say in a past life that I would never trust anyone 100% that includes those that you live with and give birth to. That statement was proved right. And I guess I have had numerous disappointments since. But I want to be able to trust people, because I want to be a good person, someone who is not bitter or cynical because of the way others have treated me, but I guess I am just damaged goods. So an early night tonight (goodness knows why I probably won't sleep I may have to go to the Dignitas cabinet) and see what delights or probably disappointments tomorrow brings.
Friday: Hello darkness my old friend (name that song) ........ 3:33! I swear that is the time I will eventually bail out of this world. I wake up and the title of this week's blog is in my mind! So here I am, in the dark, typing this. I have more bags under my eyes that Sainsbury's. I slept well surprisingly from around 23:00 until now. And now the physic radio is off!!! For those of you who do not know, and for some of you now you are really going to think that I have lost the plot, my radio has the uncanny way of playing a song that is personal to me. A fine example of this was the other evening when I had to quickly turn it over as I heard the first few bars of a song that has the ability to reduce me to a quivering wreck of tears and it certainly not the time or place. Fortunately, I managed to switch channels fairly quickly. But no here we are, mind racing and boom good old Magic radio put on a song which, ironically like the one the other night, reminds me of my dear, dear Dad.
I went to the chapel again today at Guy's. I go there when I need to think, I guess be reassured, it feels safe. I always light a candle for my Dad. Like I have said previously, it is ironic that I am now living ten minutes up the road from where he died. I guess I get some comfort from it, not because I am a religious person, but because it's my Dad. The first man I fell in love with, the first man whose heart I broke and the only man who has never let me down.
Just in case you are wondering, I am the one in the hat not the one in the middle. This photo makes me smile for so many reasons. Firstly, I only have a handful of photos of me as a child ...... long story. Secondly, I still have that little nose and pointy chin and I can see it is me. And finally, my darling Megan was just a carbon copy of me when she was this age. So I have just got a box out from under my bed and found my frame of photos of me and my Dad as a child which really do need to be out again. And the psychic radio continues ..... sigh! (I have my friend Nikki in my head now saying turn the bloody thing off).
Time to try to get some shut eye I think. Love you Dad, my bestest boy x
Nope, fell asleep, had a nightmare and was wide awake for 5:00am grrrrr. In the shower at 6:00am and ready to roll by 8:00am. But I am not going anywhere until noon ish as I may have other plans. I do not expect to have other plans. Hence planning my day from noon. But we shall see. Expect nothing then don't be disappointed.
And I am very pleased to say that I was not disappointed. 'Hang out' which is transatlantic for 'spent some time with lol Bart'. We had a great time and we will be meeting up (or hanging out which every you prefer) again. It is all good. But it is strange how American's don't really speak English! But I will hold on to that thought for another day!
Caught the bus up to Kensington to the Royal Geographic Society to see a photographic exhibition on travelling. It was excellent. Beautiful photographs that fed my soul and makes me want to rock off travelling again .......... one day! I will have to get my name changed on my passport first before I go anywhere. I still haven't done that and that is not good. But I will have to pay for a brand new one at £72! Oh back to my rant on names! Then it gets me thinking about borders and free flow of people. If or when I attend any training or have to fill in a form and hey ask for my race/ethnicity I always tick other. Then I write 'citizen of planet earth'. That is how I see myself first and foremost and that is what we all were before politics, religion and wealth separated us. I guess it is the 20/80 rule or whatever it was in the book the Tipping Point. 80% of the population carry out the work for 20% to have all the wealth ............ or something like that. But back to my passport, there are just so many places to visit, people to meet, opportunities to have. So many beautiful places to see and I was saying today I really miss the sea. It has been so long since I saw the beach. The photographs were something else and I have added some to this blog and will transfer the rest on the weekend blog, but I had a really lovely afternoon (apart from the horrendous weather). I realised that I had not had a bite to eat all day so I finished my afternoon off in a lovely French patisserie for a pot of Earl Grey tea and a croissant. A kind of French Afternoon Tea. I do love an Afternoon Tea, there is something just so quintessential English about it.
This photo was taken just outside of Angkor Wat. I find it hard to believe that I was there at the start of the year. So much has happened.
I loved this photo as it reminded me of me. Just sitting there, head in a book.
I really loved this black and white photo with the contrast of the child' hair.
This photo was taken in I think Norway. I don't do the cold. The stork dropped me too far from the equator as it is. But look how stunning this looks.
Just a small selection of some of the prints exhibited today. I have always liked black and white photography and I guess I still do; they were my favourites.
So back home now. The heaven's have opened and London is looking very gloomy. Had a lovely chat with Jenny, an old work colleague and we have put the world to rights ....... well sort of. But it was so great to hear from her and she made me smile.
I guess this week as been the worse of weeks and the best of weeks. It doesn't matter how old you are, or how old you think you are, there is still so much to learn about yourself. I have learnt a great deal about me this week. Most of it I have not liked, but I have dealt with it and will learn from it and just enjoy the moment. Because like Jenny has just said lol 'you have got balls Karen'. I hope not, as that really would put a spanner in the works ;)
Have a great weekend my friends and as always, with my love x
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