What a drag it is the shape I'm in. Well I go out somewhere, then I come home again! (America - Razorlight)

I woke up this morning with the thought in my head that I have not worked all summer.  No wonder I have no money!  Not even mentioning you know what this morning.  Bring on the week ........... I am ready for you!

Monday:  Well to say that it rained today would be a slight understatement; the heavens opened all day. Andy was off work so we just hang around the flat all day.  I did check my DBS and still not change and to say I am getting very anxious about it now is a not even touching the surface.  I need to do some serious thinking this weekend.  On a brighter note I joined Twitter today, thanks to the help of Andy.

I set up my account and thank you David, Chris and of course Andy for being my first three followers.  It didn't take long before other people arrived.  I joined Twitter because I want to promote this blog more and Twitter seemed a good idea. I was blown away by how many like minded people I found on there.

People who travel just through life, I mean can you imagine, just rolling around the world! I have to be honest it has got me thinking.  Some interesting people yet again, confirmation that I needed to come to London.  So not very much happened day.  But all good ........ well apart from the DBS. Actually, I forgot. I am following Jeremy Vine on Twitter and I am going to tweet him about the DBS and how disgusting it has all been and maybe he may want to feature it on his show?  Just a thought.

Tuesday:  Where has the sun gone?  I decided to nip out prior to the afternoon of continual rain.  I have an unusual, but great, surname.  However, in London, that is nothing.  Most people have unpronounceable names.  The poor guy in the chemist today did struggle. No matter now much I tried to tell him he could not get his tongue around it. Eventually, we agreed on Karen.  So all was well.  Twitter account is going well. People are 'following' me.  God help them.  I think we will all be lemmings and end up over a cliff.  Camera is now on order and I am very excited, if apprehensive about it.  I am sure I will be able to figure it out and have some ideas where, if the weather sorts itself out, I want to go to start taking photos.  

So a new day; a new Doctor.  Andy come home from work doubled up in pain again.  I do feel for him, but there is nothing I can do. He managed to get an emergency GP appointment.  I have to say, I am very impressed with our Surgery and the health care in general in London.  I just assumed, wrongly, that it would be virtually impossible to get seen. But no, all in all it appears to be fine. I go to the GP's with Andy, let's face it I have nothing else to do.  Spread my sparkle at reception.  They kind of know me there now, I can't think why! I think it is because I engage in conversation with them.  Andy saw the GP and more medication, but we both think that he may have a point in his diagnosis. However, I do have to say from one who watches Holby City religiously each week and has watched every episode of ER and is convinced I could put in a chest drain if I had to; he has seen three different medics and has received three different diagnosis.  Personally, no offence to any medical professionals reading this, I would put my trust in TV medical 'dramas' and She God Google. Oh Google is gendered as female as she knows everything .................!

We went to the chemist to get a bag of meds for him and off back to the flat.  I don't want to be doing 'Mummy nagging' at him for so many reasons; mainly because I am not his mother.  But we had a good chat and have mastered a plan that may help him.  

Wednesday:  Why is it when you have a slice of toast in bed you are trying to get rid of the crumbs for the next six days?  Where do they come from? Weather is vile this morning; utterly vile.  It is funny how the weather can just change your mood.  Saturday was glorious and I loved it.  But now I can feel the season slowly starting to turn.  The evenings are getting darker and this morning there was a slight chill to the air ............... winter is coming and this year I will not be flying off to the Southern Hemisphere for some sunshine. BUT, the autumn will be wonderful in London and for the first time since 2010 I am looking forward to Christmas.  Something I never thought I would say again.

Went to a Meet Up tonight my group that visits different pubs in London. Tonight's pub was the George at London Bridge and it has been there since 1600 ish.  I have been there before with Ian from the Meet Up group in Staffordshire.  Tonight we had such a lovely little group.  I met some new people as well as others I have met before.  It really was  great atmosphere.  It is so strange when I think of it as I left there around 22:00 nipped in Sainsbury's and walked home under the almost full moon which looked stunning as it was framed by my red stars (lights from the cranes).

I was chatting to a woman I know in Stoke today and she said that I have inspired here to start blogging; how cool is that. So can you all take time out to check her blog. I wish you luck Freya with your writing and look forward to reading more about your adventures.

http://mumandstudentblog.wordpress.com/

Thursday:  Strange day today.  Technically the DBS countdown is over, but I am giving them until tomorrow as to be totally frank I can't be bothered to put myself through it. But I did check it and there is still no change.  Sigh.

Something else has changed; a completely different situation from the DBS.  A link that has remained open for four years has now been taken away form me.

That door has closed.  Sure I feel sad about it.  But I really do have to ask myself how much pain can one person take.  It hurts yes, but it always hurts, it is just another blow.  I will have a cry, pull myself together, put my lipstick on and go for a walk.  Nothing would have changed when I get home, but nothing in this situation is going to change.

It is what it is.  But I still have to ask myself the question, what would I have to had done to deserve this? It has got me thinking about the classic film Citizen Kane.  The opening word and the final word in that film is Rosebud. You will have to watch the film to figure out the significance.  But I guess what I am trying to say is I have a 'Rosebud' but mine is human and that name will be the final word I utter. But I still have hope.  There is always hope. But some days it really does not feel like it!

'Spoke' to a few people on What's App, had a cry and ventured out into a very grey, damp Thursday morning in London, telling myself, once again that every day is an opportunity and that this time, once again, will pass. 

I decided to take myself, my iPod and my book to the Peace Garden at the

Imperial War Museum.  It is what it says it is: peaceful.  Sat reading my book having a cry, wishing for things that no longer are and trying to feel thankful for things that I have and not what I desperately miss. I shared the garden with a guy my age, his dog and his can of Tennents Extra.  (FYI I did not have the drink).  You would never know that you were actually in Central London when you are sitting here.  It really is so peaceful.


I decided to walk around the grounds to the IWM and  stretch my legs. Let me give you a history lesson now.  The IWM is housed the building and grounds of

the old Bethlam Royal Hospital; about a ten minute walk from my flat.  Until 1930 this building was the home for psychiatric patients and was known as an asylum and this is where the word bedlam (Bethlam) originates from as in uproar and confusion. Now, this building is the home to the Imperial War Museum. It is difficult to comprehend the pain and suffering that went on in that building. However, today it has been refurbished and is a really informative and interesting museum.  

Considering it was a gloomy day (in more ways than one) and the school holidays it was remarkably quiet and I was able to get to see what went there to look at in relatively peace and quiet.

The reason why I went to the IWM was I wanted to see an exhibition they were housing by the photomontage artist Peter Kennard.  His powerful, and somewhat unique style, have illustrated the political and social aspect of war.

They acknowledge the pain of what actually is happening.  I particularly liked this piece.  You can see the Union Jack flag holding a medal but the medal is in fact a hooded victim of war. Very powerful and moving There were around eight of these prints in the collection but this is the one that I particular favoured. 

Went for a sneaky Earl Grey tea which I have to say cost a small fortune and then decided to leave the museum.  I was not sure where I wanted to go but

knew that I should not go back to the flat until I had walked off some of this mood.  As I left the museum I noticed this piece of artwork.  It was piece from the Berlin Wall and I thought how amazing the graffiti was and how symbolic. 

The plaque underneath it stated that over 80 people had died trying to leave East Berlin for the West by attempting to go over the wall.  One of my favourite songs of all time is Heroes by David Bowie which tells the story of a couple trying to get over the Berlin wall.  Life is so fragile; we are so fragile.  Just look at the news if you need confirmation of that.

I walked through the grounds of the museum which would have been the grounds of the hospital and decided that I would take a walk down to the South Bank and see the river.

Again, it was not crowded but I did have to laugh and at one point actually out loud, not that it matters in London as no one cares.   I was walking along the South Bank and I could here the click, click, click of skateboards.  The South Bank is home to a skateboard park.  I obviously knew it was there but I guess it just evokes memories.  I rolled my eyes and as I did so I inadvertently looked up to the heavens in despair, just as a Swiss Air plane few over my head - I kid you not my friend.  Now I am the first one to believe in the Universe deciding and sending messages but really?  Come on, give this girl a break ..... and I don't mean my feet!

Back to the flat, via the bus as my left foot was really aching and a chilled evening.  But I am not looking forward to tomorrow's showdown with the DBS .... sigh! 

Friday:  The thing with pain (and let's face it I have had more than my fair share of it over the past four years) is there comes a time when no matter how much is thrown at you, you are really cannot hurt any more; just another piece of you whithers away and a little bit of your sparkle is snuffed out.

I rang the DBS.  They have had my application form 81 days now and the police have had it 75.  It is stuck at the Metropolitan Police.  If I had completed the form to say that I had not moved to London yet, I would have had it by now. But no, me being me, me being honest (unlike some people I could mention and know) told the truth and are now paying the price.  I have emailed the complaints department at the DBS to lodge a complaint because now, and only now, because of the time I am allowed to do this.  I cannot contact their Ombudsman until they have looked in to it. 

I am now allowed to have the address of the Met and have wrote a letter.  As from Tuesday and every day thereafter, I will pay £3.00 (that I really cannot justify) to catch the bus (because to walk it at the moment with my painful feet would just be too much) up to Scotland Yard to hand deliver a complaints letter. I will be doing this every day. I will also be getting a signed receipt for delivery. I have wrote to my prospective employer highlighting the severe financial difficulty (as well as emotional stress) this has put me through, so when I find a different job for more money they will not be surprised!  I have also said that I am disappointed that no one has used any common sense.  I have had CRB, DBS and Ministry of Justice security checks for the past 18 years.  If there were any suspicion about my situation I would not have been working where I was prior to coming to London.  IT IS TOTALLY RIDICULOUS!

I hear people say to me 'oh I could not do the job you do'. No, you couldn't! Because financially you would not be able to swallow the pay cut, or in my case, no wage at all for four months. Or manage with the emotionally difficult situations working with people can bring.  I have worked with people who have been told they have a few months to live. I have sat with a woman whilst she told her two young children she had weeks to live and supported this family during her treatment and the children after her death.  I have worked with people when they have had, through no fault of their own, their children removed from them.  I have supported people living with HIV and the social stigma imposed on them by others in our society. I have worked with young people who have found themselves in a situation that they would not chose and are now paying the price because they are too scared to tell the truth about a situation.

When people as me 'what I do', I tell people that I work with the unloved, the unwashed and the unwanted.  The 'type' of person that many of you would cross the street to avoid.  But isn't a good job there are people like me who want to work with those who need the help, support and in some cases,  just love and reassurance and total belief in them.  Yet because of this, we are normally paid less and have to jump through the most pathetic loops to justify our kindness for others.  I am so tired of being tested just because I want to be a good person.

This afternoon I get a phone call from my prospective new employer after the email I sent them.  I have been invited to go to Clapham on Tuesday to see what or if there is anything they can do to a. keep me from not finding another job b. reassure me that they still want to employ me and c. get me on some training and induction workshops of which I will be paid for .......... but not until the end of October.  Whilst, as Andy says it is positive; I have to be honest and say that a great deal of the initial excitement has been sucked out of me.

As much as I really did not want to go out tonight, I made the effort because

that is what I do.  Continually, make the effort and just try to get on with it. The Meet Up group in Shoreditch again.  I was not sure what I made of this group last week but thought it was worth another look.  

I am getting to know the Shoreditch/Hoxton area.  I think it is like Marmite; you either love it there or hate it.  I like it. I arrived at the Meet Up group and was greeted by one of the organisers, David who was so welcoming and we were both soon in the kitchen talking about our travels and where in the world we have visited, and more importantly, where in the world we would like to go.

The venue itself is an amazing place.  It is just like walking into a living room. An eclectic mixture of furniture and a kitchen that has as much tea, coffee, herbal teas and food that you could want to eat or drink.  I then got speaking to some other people and it was a really lovely and relaxing group of people. There

was Emily, Jazz, Roy and Pierre.  The whole purpose of this group is to come along, help yourself to as many drinks as you want, tuck into the food on offer and sit and chat, and that is what I did.  I had some really lovely conversations. 

A group of people sat on the floor with one guy playing a guitar just singing away.  It was such a lovely, warm environment.  It was so funny as the guy started playing Green Day ..... Time of your Life which is one of my tracks of my

The wonderful venue

life, I just love the words of that song.  So I just sat there, singing along and the guy who was playing I think was surprised someone my age (29) knew the words.  Oh Meg, I wish you could see your Mum now having the time of her life.

Another woman come to join us called Goli and I sat and chatted with her for ages, just putting the world to rights (as you do).  She was so lovely and we really did get along.  It is funny really, I guess you don't really see yourselves as having a fulfilling life, but Goli was amazed at my adventures and the work that I have done.  Some times the most obvious to others is so remote to ourselves.  

Walked to the bus stop and finally home; even though I was ready to go drinking with the outside world with the Shoreditch crowd. When I got home I was wide awake and started watching a programme on Channel 4 about British culture.  They were saying that as the British we do not take compliments very well and brush them aside.  The one nation that has a big problem with this is

the Americans!  This is so true.  Bart was always saying lovely things to me which I batted away.  But no, he used to still continue and yes, me being British just shrugged and I actually said at one point I do have trouble listening to this. Not once did I consider that it may actually be my culture and not his .......... or the Shirley Valentine Concept (as it is now known).  So Bart, if you are reading this.......... sure I am awesome and such a cool person!

So to sum up this week: I guess I cannot control the Universe that walks with me; but I have to remain one of the bright stars and keep sprinkling my sparkle!

As always, with my love x